Due to the realization that there are in infinite number of ways to harm people on board an airliner and that there is at least a 50/50 chance that terrorists are more creative in thinking of these ways than the rule-makers are, the following are the new rules for airline travelers:

We have made no attempt to control who or what is on board your flight.

Be aware that the goal of one or more of your fellow passengers may be to kill as many innocent people as possible with no regard for his own life.

Checked baggage is not permitted – We suggest you use UPS or FedEx next-day delivery to your destination for items that are too large to be carried on. You’ll notice that cost of the saved labor, fuel and equipment has been deducted from your fare. Plus the odds of it getting “lost” is are much lower and no one will rummage through it.

You are responsible for your own safety. We encourage you to arm yourself with any weapon(s) you feel qualified to use effectively. Be aware that persons with ill intent may be similarly armed (but hopefully outnumbered). Also be aware that such persons may choose less selective and more destructive weapons than those acting with good will.

We suggest that you remain vigilant to anyone or anything that may pose a threat to your safety and take appropriate action.

Just as when not on an airliner, you are accountable for your own actions and may be prosecuted under US law for crimes such as intentionally harming an innocent person or recklessly endangering the lives of others.

Finally, please walk briskly through the inoperative metal detectors in the now-defunct security checkpoints so as not to hold up the passengers behind you. No rubbernecking, please. Do not place any carry-on items, shoes, belts or contents of your pockets on the x-ray machine’s conveyor belt.

You may not be significantly more or less safe than before, but we hope you will find that the majority of passengers can now get safely and quickly to their destination with a minimum of hassle.

P.S. We really don’t care if you *feel* safe or not.