Commercial Airline Announcements:
"Attention Passengers. For your safety, the Bill of Rights is not valid on airport property, or aboard any aircraft. All essential and valuable personal items must be in unlocked, checked baggage. Any item to be used for child pacification must be checked. Any item to be used to block out the sounds of an unpacified child also must be checked. Headsets will not be provided on the aircraft, as they can be used to choke flight crew. Plastic government issued ID cards can be used as weapons and must be surrendered to security staff. Your ID number, Airline, Flight Number, and Seat Assignment will be temporarily tatooed to your forehead. Any attempt to remove this is a 2nd degree federal felony. All passengers must be secured in a security 5-point harness with limb movement restricted. Airlines may restrict the use of lavoritories for safety concerns. Please, do no urinate or deficate in the isles. Please, drink plenty of water before departure, as no water is provided on any flight. Thank you for flying. Enjoy your flight"

ConAir Flight Annoucments
"Attention Passengers. You have been tried and convicted in a court of the United States of America. The Bill of Rights does not apply to you. You have no personal property, and any property found upon you is now a FELONY. All passengers must have handcuffs, and ankle cuffs on at all times. To relieve yourself, notify a crewmember and you will be released from your seat and escorted to the lavoritory. Failure to obey any flight crew member will result in isolation and severe bodily harm. Your prisoner number must be visible at all times. We do not have inflight beverage service. Thank you for flying ConAir. Enjoy your flight"