You've probably seen these already. Sorry, my browser crashed and I lost the URLs.

Child safety advocates applaud safety-conscious scouting measures:

In a recent press release, the National Child Safety Consortium praised the progressive safety approach increasingly being adopted by enlightened Scout Troops. "Safety is everything," said the Managing Director, "in a world where outdated thinking exposes children to danger."

The new approach, which involves using epoxy to secure all tools in the fully closed position, ensures children will never deploy the dangerous tools that have left deep scars on so many previous generations. Similarly, all butane lighters are carefully emptied of fluid and have flints removed to ensure no dangerous blazes will ensue.

In an interview, an urban scoutmaster, who declined to give his name, said, "We view the Scout knife as more of a symbolic item. In our wilderness hikes at the mall, we have never found a need to skin a mall rat or shave the bark of a potted ficus for kindling. In fact, based on previous experience, our mall guides tended to frown on these outdated activities, pointing us to the food court as a practical 21st century approach. Our intrepid scouters were ecstatic to discover that high calorie food and drink, with generous salt, saturated fat, and corn syrup content, could be so easily harvested on a hike. They promised to bring their friends along next time. This bodes well for the future of urban Scouting."


Innovative course teaches new intubation technique to college students:

Volunteer instructors at a local first-aid course have introduced a new way to save lives. "We found that, in a genuine choking emergency, first aiders rarely had the gear to intervene effectively." they explained. "So we taught them to improvise using emissions control tubing from a vehicle and transmission oil from the dipstick as esophageal lubricant."

Course modules included:
- The Importance of Clearing Dead Spiders from Rubber Tubes
- Blow, Don't Suck (Sucking is Grosser than Blowing)
- Things That Could Possibly Go Wrong

Volunteers for the study, saving up for a kegger that weekend, were not deeply concerned with the unusual technique. Said one willing participant, "The timing was perfect because we really needed extra cash to cover the deposit on the keg. Yeah, the oil and rubber was totally gross, but we plan to smoke a lot of really good stuff and throw up on the neighbor's flower bed at 3 a.m. So it should all work out okay. It's a good trick in case some dude starts choking on his own hork. I mean, seriously, who wants to get personal with that?"