RE "The old folks in homes". We were able to keep Mom at home till the end, but that was partly because Dad was in good enough shape to help out, at least enough to make local trips to the store, and make phone calls/help watch Mom
Three months after Mom died, Dad's cancer got to the point HE could not walk, and his dementia got to the point he could NOT live alone.
We had 4 choices at that point.
The first was for me to quit my job, and live home with him 24x7, with an aide coming in so I could go to the store etc - that was choices 1 and 2 (his house or my house).
Choice 3 was to hire a set of 24x7 aids to live with Dad. Around here anyway, that ran about $400/day, and we did that for a short while (there was a point where we were able to keep him home with aids only 4hrs/day, 5 days/week, with me taking weekends).
And the 4th option was a Home. I hated it. At first, we had him in a local home, and I went there every night, but he became a "non cooperating patient", so they refused to take him back after a hospital trip, and the nearest place that would take him was 50 minutes each way. Tried to go every weekend, but some weeks it just didn't happen, and more than 1/2 the time he didn't know who I was. Tough choice, but sometimes the only realistic choice. (particularly when you are an only child)
3 of my sisters and I took turns going home to help my Mom with my Dad's dementia also. I was the closest at 800 miles away. When he got past the point she could help, we had to put him in a home, he died shortly thereafter. Then my Mom got the dementia, and the 4 of us spent almost 2 years in shifts with her 24x7. Cost me a job, almost cost a couple of my sisters theirs. Then we moved her into a home close to one of my sisters until she died. Her care needs were too intensive to leave her alone for even 10 or 20 minutes.
It's been my experience that people who say we put our parents in homes too quickly haven't gone through it, and generally have no idea what they are talking about.
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