OK You guys asked for it though I'm far from convinced about America's commitment to free speech, we'll see how you get on...
____
Wal, due t'lack of fundin', European histo'y is obviously not th' strong
point of th' South Car'linan ejoocayshunal system, dawgone it. So less
corncentrate on mo'e impo'tant thin's:

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA aka THE LAND
OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE

French an' Indian Wars: OK, we were supposed t'be British back then, as enny
fool kin plainly see. But it's th' closess thin' we've gotta a glo'ious
past. An' we won, as enny fool kin plainly see. So this hyar sh'd definitely
be a part of th' official American military histo'y

American War of Independence: Wal th' redcoats kicked our ass at th'
beginnin' of th' war. But Warshin'ton was hell on retreat. An' th' English
gave up fightin' when we threw all their tea in th' sea. ah have heard
rumours of an intervenshun by th' French, Dutch an' Spaniards, but our
teacher didn't menshun ennythin' about this. An' ah didn't see enny of these
euro-commies in "Th' Patriot" But Mel Gibson did kick some serious ass...

War of 1812: OK, fust we were licked by th' Kinadians, an' then th' British
burned our capital, ah reckon. But winnners nevah quit, so we went on
fightin'. We even managed t'win our only battle AFTER th' peace treaty had
been signed, cuss it all t' tarnation. So we Amercans obviously won th'
war...

Texas War of Independence: T'other vicko'y. Davy Crocket, John-Boy Wayne an'
Jim Bowie kicked Santa Anna's ass at Alamo so thet th' Texans c'd keep their
slaves. T'other vicko'y fo' liberty an' free interprise,,,

Mexican War: We whipped th' degos an' stole ha'f their lan'. Way t'go...

Civil War: Two armed mobs chasin' etch other aroun' th' countryside. Th'
South Car'linans won as usual, ah reckon. Great fun, as enny fool kin
plainly see. We sh'd t'this mo'e offen...

Indian Wars: We whipped th' injuns an' stole ALL their lan'. We were
beginnin' t'git th' hang of this hyar now...

Spanish-American War: Th' spoils fum th' indian wars warn't whut we specked,
cuss it all t' tarnation. Who want's t'spend their vacashun in No'th Dakota?
So we stole some carribean islan' fum th' filthy spaniards t'improve th'
situashun.

WW1: We on overslepp an' didn't arrive at th' party befo'e it was almost on
over. So them bloody euro commies took all th' spoils of war an' didn't give
us ennythin'. Decides t'stay home sulikin' fo' th' next 20 years...

US Intervenshuns in Latin America: OK, even eff'n th' commie euros rule th'
majo' league, we does kick some serious ass in th' local li'l league:

1905: Honduras - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1906: Cuba - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all their
fruit
1907: Nicareegua - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1910: Nicareegua - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1912: Cuba - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all their
fruit
1912: Nicareegua - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1915: Haiti - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1916: Dominican Republic - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an'
stole all their fruit
1917: Cuba - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all their
fruit
1918: Panama - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1921: Guatemala - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1925: Panama - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1926: Nicareegua - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole all
their fruit
1932: El Salvado' - Th' marines lan'ed, killed a lot of natives an' stole
all their fruit

WW2: We on overslepp agin. Thank god th' Japanese waked us up in time t'join
th' party. Decides t'let th' Russians do most of th' fightin' fo' us. But we
did make a lot of mighty fine trucks. Eff'n we didn't stay home an' make
trucks, them euro bastards'd be speakin' german by now.

Ko'ean War: Technically a tie. But we'd haf won eff'n jest them United
Nashuns weenies'd haf let MacArthur drop th' bomb on over Beijin'. Dawgone
spoilspo'ts...

Bay of Pigs: Th' CIA lan'ed an' tried t'git mo'e fruit an' some cigars. Shop
was unfo'tunately closed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Will jest hafta stick
t'dominican cigars in th' future

Vietnam: We came, We sar, We scooted away. But thet doesn't mean we lost th'
war. We killed a lot of gooks. But they didn't haf enny fruit so we decided
t'go home. But we didn't loose th' war - does yo' hear me euro commies WE
DIDN`T LOOSE THE VIETNAM WAR! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!!
Fry mah hide! WE WON WON WON WON! Fry mah hide!!

Grenada: Af'er th' recent cockups, we decided t'go back t'basic. Th' marines
lan'ed, killed a couple of commies an' stole all their fruit. Dawgone we is
fine at this...

Panama: Th' marines lan'ed, killed th' natives an' stole their fruit. Got
some cocaine as well. Nice job. Well bust mah britches an' call me
streaker...

War aginst Iraq: OK, we haf 'nuff fruit. Less steal some oil instead, cuss
it all t' tarnation. Our cruise missiles kin take out them nasty acco'dion
facko'ies an' kinnergartens wifout enny dangers t'ourselves. Then we kin
send in th' marines an' kill thet nasty man wif th' huge moestache.
Unfo'tunately we didn't find th' way t'Baghdad - our generals haf probably
lost their sense of direckshun af'er all th' party drugs in Nam, dawgone it.

Somalia: We came, we sar an' we scooted once agin. They didn't haf enny
fruit o' oil so whut th' hell were we doin' thar in th' fust place...

9/11/01: Arab austrike aginst th' US. Whuffo''d someone attack a peacelovin'
nashun like us? They muss be crazy. Thank God they crashed right into our
Barrage-Skyscrapers.

Afghanistan: No oil, no fruit, no fun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Cain't
make great TV intertainment outta thet. Guess we need a noo war t'keep th'
media happy. Th' No'th Ko'eans seems t'be a bit too tough fo' our fellas, so
less make a sequal t'th' Iraqi war instead, cuss it all t' tarnation...