Wildman -

These situations too often bring out the absolute worst in people. It's disheartening, to put it mildly. I'll share what worked in my family — my mother passed away six months ago, and my mother-in-law a couple of years before that.

My mother was survived by six children and a dozen grandchildren. Plenty of people, if left to their own devices, to start a brawl over "who gets what."

My mother-in-law was on her second marriage (having been widowed after a 35 year first-marriage) which, of course, complicates things: her four children and his three children; expectedly, she and her husband both had assets acquired in their respective first marriages, plus assets acquired during their marriage to one another etc. Potentially, a situation ripe for strife.

I'm happy to say, things went reasonably well in both cases thanks to a little advance "preparedness."

My mother-in-law and husband had a living trust, Durable Power of Attorney, Living Will, DNR — the whole enchilada. They moved all significant assets into the living trust and after-acquired assets were covered by a pour-over will, as mentioned by bws48: They just need a simple will that, in layman's terms, says "everything goes to the trust." The cost for an attorney to prep all of this for both of them was, if I recall, around $3500 (Springfield, MO).

Perhaps more importantly, she made a detailed list of all assets owned prior to the marriage, and designated exactly who was to receive each and every item (kids/grandchildren got to make "requests" but her wishes prevailed). Disposition of jointly-owned assets was spelled out too. The list, along with a "these are my wishes" letter, was incorporated into the attorney-prepared documents. Then, prior to her death, a family meeting was held (her, my father-in-law, and their respective children ... spouses were excluded). Everyone got a copy of the documents, they were discussed, she reviewed the list of who got what, answered questions, then issued a warning that there had better be no fighting among the kids.

My mother did pretty much the same thing — the trust, will, medical-related documents etc. AND the all-important sit-down meeting with all of us to hash things over while she was still alive.

(I should mention, in both cases, the attending physician, hospital and hospice were asked to review all documents pertaining to medical care and decisions to ensure they would be honored.)

Some folks here will say this is a bad idea — certainly it's not for everyone — but my mother used the Quicken Willmaker Plus package to prepare everything (well, my sister did it for her). And all went without a hitch. I will say this — I compared my mother-in-law's attorney-prepared documents with my mother's, and the differences are hardly worth mentioning. But again, self-prep isn't everyone's cup of tea. I certainly wouldn't advise in complex situations.

Dan