OK, it's mid winter, no snow, and I'm bored. It occured to me that there must be some groaners (bad jokes) loosely related to survival out there. I'll start

Two guys, Moe and Joe, are getting ready for a hike in bear country. Moe looks up from lacing up his waffle-stompers and sees Joe putting on sneakers.

Moe: "Why are you wearing sneakers into the woods?
Joe: "If we are chased by a bear, I can run"
Moe: "You can't outrun a bear"
Joe: "Don't have to; just have to outrun you"

Just read this one and it reminded me of Frisket's Current PSK and, of course, our plane crash threads:

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

"Hello 911; I'm in the woods hunting with my friend and he looks awfully sick. I think he's dead"

"You think he's dead? Can you make sure"
::: BANG! BANG! BANG! ::::

"yeah he's dead"

This was voted the funniest joke ever in a poll and could be traced back to Spike Milligan who wrote it. The newspaper article headline was 'Did you hear the one about the writer whose joke was voted the funniest ever and he'd died the previous year?'

qjs

Good ones! Now this:

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS UNDER STRESS...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they always speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


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Wait, you can actaully give your cat valium, where do I get it?
I don't check my kids day timer, we are more modern than that, i check their google calendars to see whan i can schedule chores. I went from carrying a personal laptop to a smart phone years ago mainly for that reason.

In Alaska we have four seasons. There is "Early Winter", "Mid Winter", "Late Winter", and "Next Winter"!

What people down south call "Summer" is just the transition between Late Winter and Next Winter. If it falls on a weekend we usually have friends over and grill something and eat out on the back deck.

This old Italian man won the lottery. He has a new house built and decorated. He tells the decorator he wants a "Halo, statue" in every room. On reveal day, each room has a small statue of an angel. The old man is mad, "I wanna halo statue in every room!!" and stalks out. The angels are replaced with slightly larger statues of saints. Again, the old man is not happy, "No No NO, a halo statue in every room" and stomps out. The saints are replaced with statues of the Virgin Mary and Jesus. Again, the old man is not satisfied ' I saida I wanna halo statue in every room, what's wrong with you?" Exasperated the designer asks what kind of halo statue. "You know, it goes ring ring, you pick it up and say "Halo, statue?"

This and several other inside jokes always make the DW and I smile.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked;

"What would happen if I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice in the back volunteered,

"You'd be eating alone?"

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman:


"That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Two atoms were walking down the street. One says "I lost an electron." The other one says "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive."

Follow-up to the original post:

When I was in the military I was talking with Combat Arms Training dudes one day. I told this guy Ken that the only gun you need in Alaska when you are fishing is a .22 caliber pistol. He asked "why?" (of course). I said that's easy - When the bear starts to chase you for your fish, all you have to do is kneecap your partner. He almost wet himself laughing.

He told me later that he incorporated a version of that into his briefing for the folks going on assignment to Alaska. This guy was a great storyteller. He said he asked the class who was going to Alaska. He then told them the only gun they would need was the Beretta 9mm. He then told them why. He got'em hook, line, and sinker. He said it worked every time. It was the joke that kept on giving.

The two qualities of the ideal date:

Thinks positive
Tests negative

Northern Maine reports two seasons:

Winter and two months of darn tough sledding.

Road sign in rural Vermont:

Unimproved road. Pick your rut carefully--you will be in it for the next 12 miles.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Winter? Do people still have them? It has been a record winter here this year, it is almost 70 to 80 degrees everyday! I feel cheated and my skis and snowshoes are very neglected.

A forum moderator was interested in buying a horse. Across the street from the horse farm was a bookstore which had a book he also wanted, one by the famous French philosopher Rene DesCartes. He didn't have all that much money, so he had to prioritize....

He got DesCartes before the horse........

I swore I would never contribute to this thread. The devil made me do it....

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "Hey, buddy. Why the long face?"

Two peanuts are walking down the street, and one is assaulted.

"A salted" for those of you who aren't groaning yet.

Hanscom - You bring back fond memories of my five years up there (Loring AFB/Presque Isle) in the early 80's.

French philosopher Rene DesCartes is sitting at a sidewalk cafe. The waiter asks him if he would like a cup of coffee. DesCartes answered "I think not" - POOF!!! He disappeared.

I love this!

Here's a joke about metaphysics. What is matter? Never mind. What is mind? No matter.

OK, I see where this is going.

Take this:

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too

An italian, an irishman, a greek and a german go into a bar.
The german pays

qjs

a man walks into a bar.

why he never saw it coming, i don't know.

"To do is to be." - Jean Paul Sartre

"To be is to do." - Bertrand Russell

"Do be do be do." - Frank Sinatra

One bullet jokes.
Now the question is:
Do I shoot you for telling it?
Or do I shoot myself for listening to it?

Two guys, Moe and Joe, are spending the day down on the farm. Moe walks out back and sees Joe throw his wallet and watch down the outhouse hole.

Moe: "Why did you throw your wallet and watch down the outhouse hole?"

Joe: "Well, when I pulled my pants up, a quarter flipped out of my pocket and went down into the hole"

Moe: "But your watch and wallet?"

Joe: "No way am I going down in there for just two bits"

Ok,

I'll play....

A vulture boars an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says "I'm sorry sir but only one carrion allowed."


LW (Ducking as he hits submit)

A guy's wife calls his doctor "Doctor, I'm worried about Jack, he he goes around singing "She's a Lady" all day long - never stops." The doctor says "Sounds like he has Tom Jones syndrome" The wife asks "Is that common?" Doctor says "It's not unusual."

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

From my wife:
A blind man walks into a store. He picks up his seeing-eye dog and proceeds to spin the dog above his head by the tail, lasso-style. The store owner comes over and asks, "Can I help you with something."

The man replies, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."

And you have the nerve to squawk about my puns!

This is getting nasty!

LOL, I actually knew someone in college that had, shall we say appropriated, one of those signs, and posted it over his toilet.

A beautiful young lady is in the shower. Suddenly she hears at the door, "Blind man!" Thinking that it would be a thrill to get away with some naughtiness, she decides to greet the visitor naked. What harm could there be with a blind man?

"Blind man! Urh... would you like to buy some blinds?"

lol! Hilarious! Gonna use this one.

And now...a little British humour:


The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS.
They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.
They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Foxtrot One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye swollen shut.
"Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"

..............