My grandfather taught me such things as how to deliver my first calf when the cow was having problems, we lived right up the road from them. I try to talk my parents into meeting us halfway in the middle so they can spend time with their grandkids, sadly there are no jobs where they live so we are a five hour drive away.

RE "The old folks in homes". We were able to keep Mom at home till the end, but that was partly because Dad was in good enough shape to help out, at least enough to make local trips to the store, and make phone calls/help watch Mom

Three months after Mom died, Dad's cancer got to the point HE could not walk, and his dementia got to the point he could NOT live alone.
We had 4 choices at that point.

The first was for me to quit my job, and live home with him 24x7, with an aide coming in so I could go to the store etc - that was choices 1 and 2 (his house or my house).

Choice 3 was to hire a set of 24x7 aids to live with Dad. Around here anyway, that ran about $400/day, and we did that for a short while (there was a point where we were able to keep him home with aids only 4hrs/day, 5 days/week, with me taking weekends).

And the 4th option was a Home. I hated it. At first, we had him in a local home, and I went there every night, but he became a "non cooperating patient", so they refused to take him back after a hospital trip, and the nearest place that would take him was 50 minutes each way. Tried to go every weekend, but some weeks it just didn't happen, and more than 1/2 the time he didn't know who I was. Tough choice, but sometimes the only realistic choice. (particularly when you are an only child)

3 of my sisters and I took turns going home to help my Mom with my Dad's dementia also. I was the closest at 800 miles away. When he got past the point she could help, we had to put him in a home, he died shortly thereafter. Then my Mom got the dementia, and the 4 of us spent almost 2 years in shifts with her 24x7. Cost me a job, almost cost a couple of my sisters theirs. Then we moved her into a home close to one of my sisters until she died. Her care needs were too intensive to leave her alone for even 10 or 20 minutes.

It's been my experience that people who say we put our parents in homes too quickly haven't gone through it, and generally have no idea what they are talking about.

My grandparents on my mothers side were both put in homes and all the family were always down on my mother and aunt who lived closest as to how bad they were for doing it. But my mothers parents got mean when they got old and would fight any kind of medicine, would fight any meal, fight any bath and my mother and her sister who lives closest were both under 5' tall and were unable to control either of them. Her mother had all kinds of health problems from years of smoking so she needed to be hooked up to a lot of machines and take a lot of medicine one being oxygen and that wasn't safe in their home with the rest of the family smoking around it. Her father was color blind so he would run red lights all the time and would take trips across multiple states to visit family. My mother got home to sign power of attorney so when the police called to tell her he hit someone she could just give his insurance info, they didn't bother to file the hit and run charges he would never show to court anyway as ne never beleived he did anything which is why she got him to sign the power of attorney since he would refuse to give any info after a hit and run so it was in his best interest. I see my mother already getting that way, she will tell me something and then insist she didn't, she gave me the date of he family reunion one year on the instant messenger and a couple weeks prior to it we got an e-mail asking why we didn't come, turns out she gave me the wrong date. When I asked her about it she insisted she gave me the correct date until I pasted the old conversation back to her and she didn't talk to me for a couple weeks. She already knows that if she gets as mean as her parents she's going to a home .

+1, having been there. The sad fact is that our medical knowledge can keep people alive long after they are able to care for themselves or co-operate in their own care, and in doing so, they require full time care, much as an infant might.

The very, very harsh reality is that in the old days, (my grandparents generation) most people simply died of something else before they got to that point.

Same here. My mother outlived her physicians' expectations by many years and survived many "fatal" medical emergencies.

Several years ago, she was living independently in her own home, albeit with significant heart disease, diabetes and some mobility problems, with with financial and practical assistance from my dear sister who lived nearby. She flew out here to FL to visit me several years ago, and fell ill.

Long story short - after being comatose, referred to hospice for imminent death and being determined to be medically hopeless, and after about two years of aggressive hospitalization and rehabilitation, she recovered from her "irreversible" coma and regained ALL of her mental faculties, but was left wheelchair bound, physically and medically fragile and partially blind. She also later suffered more heart attacks, an episode of severe respiratory failure, and even second and third degree burns to her thighs, buttocks and perineum caused by spilling a large pot of boiling water into her lap.

First lesson here - She lost her health, independence, home, ability to walk and to care for herself, to her, virtually overnight. But she never complained, never gave up, kept striving to do as much for herself, and for others, as she could and lived her life to the fullest degree she could, never becoming bitter or angry, and always counting her blessings. She was TOUGH, and faced her hardships with dignity and grace.

Many doctors and others urged me to place her in a nursing home because of her complex medical needs. But her mind was fully intact and vibrantly alive, and I had the flexibility in my schedule and the medical expertise to care for her in my home. My wife was also tremendously helpful and welcomed my mother into our home, with all the demands, expenses and difficulties that entailed, with a kind and loving heart.

Nonetheless, it was exceedingly difficult, time consuming and stressful, and I eventually paid a price financially, professionally and in terms of own health. I could not have done it if I wasn’t medically qualified, or if I’d had a more traditional work schedule. Moreover, if I’d had small children to raise, a less than totally supportive wife, or if my mother’s mental state was worse, it would have been impossible.

We went through a somewhat similar experience many years ago, when my mother in law survived a massive brain tumor physically intact but mentally impaired, and many of my wife’s relatives were bitterly critical and even cruel, while, mind you, never actually lifting a finger themselves to help.

I would never judge anyone for their decision to place a loved one in long term care. Indeed, in my experience, the more common failing is not doing so when the family can no longer offer adequate care themselves.

Jeff

Very eloquently stated Jeff.

I have been there, I am still there, from and in two directions at once.

It amazes me how many people expressed their opinion that my DD1 should have been and should still be in a State Home.

It amazes me how many of my relatives think we've done the right thing moving my mother into our home. How many of my relatives think we're crazy for having my mother live in our home. It amazes me that I don't have to solicit their opinions either!

I thank God for my "friends" who keep their opinions to themselves unless I ask for it, and who are always ready to help us with this and that which needs to be done!!!!!

I also thank God for this ETS community that I can always get straight forwardly stated opinions from, when I have asked!!!!!

It is ironic how my post went from discussing what I learned from Grandma to a long term care discussion.

The irony is I learned today that discussion was begun today about whether or not to move her into a long term care facility. She fell this weekend and injured her hip and her shoulder. The primary cause being she has a 2nd degree block that is causing sycope (dizziness) and causing TIA's from the blood clots she is throwing.

Jeff I would like to thank you for your opinion as it helped resolve some of my conflict I was having. And to Wildman - I agree with you on the members of this community giving straight forward answers. If it wasnt for you folks I would prolly be a little lost sometimes.