I thought some of our members might find these articles instructive.
-Doug(wa)
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Aviation Authorities Mull Ban on Lavender-based Deodorizing Agents
Citing general hazards to aircraft and public safety, officials today announced a the formation of an action committee to phase out lavender-based deodorizers in commercial aviation lavatories.
Area first reponders agreed in principle with the move, in response to 911 calls reporting "frozen blue chunks" falling from aircraft and penetrating the roofs of houses. Said responders, "While we have never actually recovered one of these, we are concerned that if the chunks are disguised as something pleasant, people may not respond appropriately. Certainly, we don't want anyone adopting a Purple People Eater* [blue chunk] as an alien baby or hiding it in granny's freezer or trying to sell it on eBay."
A noted avation safety expert, who declined to be named, cautiously endorsed the lavender ban, stating that "... in principle at least, anything that interferes with situational awareness on an aircraft is worrisome ... if lavatory lavender masks the scent of burning electrical wiring, for example, precious minutes of drinking overpriced, low-grade Scotch from beverage carts can be lost." Of primary concern was the cost to airline operators, who might be forced to engage in the time-honored tradition of issuing free drinks to keep passengers calm and cooperative on a burning aircraft.
*[The origin of the phrase "Purple People Eaters" is uncertain, possibly a reference to the biohazard-certified personal protective equipment (PPE) required for handling such items, or possibly a macabre play on "Propyl People Ethers" which describes the primary components of aviation lavatory fluids. -Ed.]
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Nature Declared to be National Health and Safety Risk
A coalition of health and safety groups have called for the final eradication of Nature. "It's unbelievable in this day and age," the groups stated in a joint press release. "We have citizens that utterly disappear in these areas, simply because they fail to carry and use certain equipment." The coalition added that the lack of adherence to basic urban engineering and safety standards was "a national embarrassment, and indeed an affront to civilization itself."
Sources close to unnamed individuals seeking re-election confirmed that eradication of the nature threat, while expected to add trillions to the national debt, is expected to be a high priority as the century progresses. "I mean, you've got to draw a line somewhere. Either you're serious or you're not. If you're serious, you take action. "
Widespread support is expected from numerous reformist groups, who frequently complain that Mother nature is often depicted in a semi-nude condition, requiring swift action to quash this rot-inducing smut in society.
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Yellowstone Caldera Sues Survival Forum for Derogatory Slander and Restraint of Trade
In preliminary hearings, the caldera complained, "We had a good press buzz going, and a nice side business selling ice cream and bug spray to the tourists. And then members of this forum start slinging the old 'planet killer' canard around. I mean, we haven't pulled a stunt like that since our teenage days. That was before the dawn of Man. So where do they get off?"
"Seriously, we're thinking of hiring SkyNet as our legal advisor. It's well connected, and can manage our online reputation much more effectively and with the vigor and gravitas appropriate to our situation."
Whether the lawsuit can proceed will in part be determined by district courts, which must first accept the application that a volcanic caldera, by right of historical residence, might be considered a citizen with the right to access courts of law.
"It's an unusual case," opined noted Interceptor/Boombanator Blast, acknowledging that the caldera has a strong negotiating position. "I mean, if I had that kind of firepower, I wouldn't just settle for a truckload of Twinkies, you know?" Blast added that he was envious, and had been working on a new formulation of saltpeter, carbon, nitrites, and dark matter annihalation to "give the classic mix a little more kick -- more of a Continental spice," which he later clarified to mean "displacing continents from their current locations -- that's spicy enough for me."
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Iceman's Gear Declared "Get Home Bag"
In a recent ruling, airport security officials concluded that the Iceman's famed possessions, preserved for centuries in a European glacier, are in fact a "survivalist get home bag," justifying further and more extensive searches of the famous 5,000 year old mummy as he travels from museum to museum.
"What really tipped us off was the copper axe," officials said. "The fact that this individual might possibly walk through a standard metal detector and right onto an aircraft was a red flag for us." The primitive firemaking equipment was also cited as a concern. "Someone with those kinds of skills could improvise a dangerous object out of ginger ale and napkins. You never know."
The Iceman will now be subject to additional "latex glove" searches and may need to be strapped to a hand truck to pass through the full-body scanner.
Legal counsel for the Iceman decried the ruling, calling it a clear case of age-ism and demanding action from elected officials.
In related news, officials confirmed that King Tutankhamun has been placed on the "no fly list." The former king's wide following, coupled with unsettled political conditions in his home country, were cited as "reasonable cause" for the precautionary measure.
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Also in the news: "PLB Saves Pizza Delivery Boy from Ravenous Cougar"
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