-----------------------------------------------------------
ETS Survival News Equipped To Survive
Issue 1, Volume 4 March 32, 2006
-----------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************************

ETS Survival News is an irregularly published
compendium of news related to survival, survival
gear and search and rescue. Published with
support from the Equipped To Survive Foundation.
Please visit us at: http://www.equipped.org

***********************************************************

ETS & DISCOVERY ANNOUNCE NEW CABLE CHANNEL

In a bid to bring the message of preparedness to a wider
audience, Doug Ritter and the Equipped to Survive
Foundation have teamed up with the Discovery Channel to
launch ETS-TV, a 24-hour channel devoted to emergency
preparedness. The new channel will debut in the fall of
2006. Building on the success of the many Discovery
Channel offerings dealing with real life survival stories
and survival themes, these shows are devoted to making
survival and emergency preparedness both exciting and a
learning experience. Advertising revenues will be split
equally between Discovery Channel and Equipped To Survive.

Shows currently in development include:

Wings Become Adventure: This aviation oriented survival
show is designed to demonstrate after-the-crash survival
and use of scavenged parts from the aircraft. Aircraft
manufacturer Cirrus has signed on as the primary sponsor.
Various model aircraft, singles and twins, will be run out
of fuel (to prevent forest fires) and will be crashed into
the wilderness using remote control pilots (retired U.S.
Army Predator UAV pilots). At least two Cirrus aircraft
will be used, their arrival being via their unique built-in
CAPS parachute, and they are expected to arrive on site in
one piece save for a missing door, perhaps. One major mid-
west aircraft manufacturer has threatened to file a suit to
stop the show, but producers say they are prepared to fight
them in court, "It's not like these things don't fall out
of the sky on a regular basis," the spokesperson remarked.

Participants will be helicoptered into the site for their
week long stay. Injuries will be simulated by binding arms,
hands and legs according to a drawing made on site so that
the survivors are appropriately handicapped, though they
will also have to option to receive a $25,000 bonus and
have the actual limbs or appendages broken for greater
realism. It is expected that about half of the participants
will take advantage of this option. Cirrus participants
will not be required to have any such handicaps, unless
they really want the $25,000. Daily votes will be conducted
by viewers to remove participants who are getting on their
nerves. A grand prize of $1,000,000 will be offered with
weekly prizes of $50,000.

Survivor - New Orleans: Competitors will spend a month
trying to survive in the remains of the Super Dome in New
Orleans. Contestants will all be selected from actual
Katrina refugees. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has welcomed
the show, saying that it will tell the real story of his
extraordinarily effective emergency preparedness efforts
that he oversaw in the real cataclysmic emergency. Nobody
on the show's development staff has succeeded in
penetrating the Mayor's delusional state of mind and they
figure it will make for great TV when he shows up at the
Super Dome during the taping. Participants will be well
armed for their own protection and, well, it might get
very interesting.

Pimp My Keychain: Contestants try to make the perfect EDC
(Every Day Carry) Survival Keychain in 30 minutes from a
vast selection of possibilities provided by sponsoring
companies including Home Depot, Sportsman's Warehouse and
others. Weight will be limited to 32 ounces and it must
fit in a standard blue jeans pocket. Weekly cash prizes of
$25,000 will be offered and the grand prize is $2,000,000
and a free trip to the deserted island of your choice with
six of your closest friends and nothing but the winning
survival keychain with which to survive.

Iron Chef Survivor: Produced in cooperation with The Food
Network, this Iron Chef Arena will be located in a variety
of remote locations. The contestants will be provided with
the main meal ingredient and some basic cooking utensils,
but must provide all the rest of the meal themselves from
the natural environment. There are no stoves, they will
have to gather their own firewood and make their own cook
fires. The meal will be judged 50% on taste, 25% on their
use of natural ingredients and 25% on their cooking and
fire making techniques. Judges include celebrity chef
Alton Brown, Joy of Cooking author and noted survival
knife designer Ethan Becker, the perky princess of the
Food Network, Rachael Ray and select survival
instructors from around the world.

McGyver 2006: Richard Dean Anderson, in an updated version
of his youthful role, stops terrorist attacks, rescues
maidens in distress and generally saves the world on a
weekly basis using Geritol, Preparation-H, toe-nail and
nose hair clippers and his AARP card, among other
improvised tools. Initial episode titled: "Depends."

Survivorball: Les Stroud and the American women's beach
volleyball team attempt to spend a week in various remote
locales surviving with nothing but camera equipment, a
ball, and a net.

SURVIVAL SKILLS TECH SUPPORT LAUNCHED

Proocom, a leading supplier of equipment, technology and
support in the Location and Emergency Services industry
has announced a new service being offered via their
emergency call centers. With a subscription of only $10 per
year, or $100/minute without a subscription, anyone will be
able to call toll-free via cellular phone, satellite phone
or Proocom's new integrated Satellite Phone, GPS 406 MHz
Personal Locator Beacon from anywhere in the world and
receive answers to their survival questions from
knowledgeable individuals who are all former U.S. Air Force
Survival Instructors or Special Forces members.

Scottie Morgonie, executive vice president of the new Life
Support Division, explained that this new service should
allow those in dire circumstances to survive long enough to
be rescued, even those who are too cheap or too stupid to
carry any survival equipment. Operators will be able to
instruct survivors in making shelter, starting a fire with
primitive materials and how to signal for rescue. Said
Morgonie, "these guys can survive, and indeed thrive, if
stranded naked in the wilderness, so helping out the
survivors who call us will be a piece of cake for them."
More information and subscription application can be found
at www.savemyreallysorryass.com

ETS FORMS NEW STRATEGIC PARTNERSHIP

As part of ongoing efforts to raise everyday awareness of
emergency preparedness, Dour Ritter and the Equipped to
Survive Advanced Projects Research Laboratory are proud to
announce a strategic partnership with Victoria's Secret, a
leading maker of women's intimate apparel. As part of the
new "Put on Preparation First!" campaign, Ritter has worked
very closely with Victoria's Secret designers and models in
developing dual-use everyday garments that can enhance the
chances that a woman (or a very adventurous man) has in a
survival situation. A portion of all sales will go to
support the Equipped To Survive Foundation.

Some of the products you can expect to see in the coming
year are:

The Wonder Filter and Purifier Bra: A brassiere that
incorporates padded water filter and purifier elements in
the cups. The left cup is designed as a macro-filter,
straining out large contaminants such as organic materials,
debris and sediment. The right cup is a .01 micron, silver-
impregnated filter and purifier that removes 99.99999999999%
of harmful bacteria, cysts and protozoa, such as salmonella,
cholera, E.coli, Cryptosporidium and Giardia and kills
99.9999999997% of all know viruses. The gravity-fed filters
can strain up to 3 liters per day.

The Camelfront: A brassiere that is the logical next step
for the now famous Water Bra, this creation allows the user
to both enhance her figure while carrying a two liter
emergency supply of water. A Camelfront Pam Anderson
version, with double the water capacity, is under
development for use in desert survival situations. The
Camelfront Bra incorporates a built in hose and bite valve
that is specifically designed to feed equally from both
water reservoirs at the same time, in order to maintain
symmetry. Plans to provide an anatomically correct bite
valve were shelved after it was discovered that it resulted
in hyponatremia (water intoxication) as a result of
excessive water intake by male testers.

Both new bras will be offered in the normal range of sizes
from A to DD and a variety of designer colors as well as
Olive Drab for the military and the U.S. Marine digital
camouflage exclusively for the Marines.

The WonderSling Thong: This undergarment is constructed out
of a high-stretch synthetic-fiber specially developed for
the project by Monsanto and made from 100% recycled
materials. This extraordinary fiber, plus the special
hidden pocket allow the thong to double as a slingshot.
Several ETS researchers have brought down squirrels and
other small game with only minimal instruction and a pebble
It can also be used as a tourniquet, a sling for injured
arms, and as a method of tying together branches for a
shelter. It will be available for both male and females,
with appropriate anatomically necessary differences in the
hidden pocket. Color offering will be the same as for the
bras. All of these new undergarments are machine washable.

The Emergency Space Chemise: Designed in conjunction with
the developers of the Adventure Medical Kits new
Polyethylene Heatsheet, this sexy fashion forward chemise
is made from the same super-thin polyethylene material. The
garment is reversible, with a mirror-reflective silver side
that will reflect back 98% of your body heat and a high-
visibility side in a variety of bright colors such as
orange, purple, red and blue. Illustrated survival and
first aid instructions authored by Doug Ritter are printed
in black on the colored side. For normal wear the chemise
is worn with the reflective side out, presenting a
shimmering metallic look which is hot, hot, hot this season.

Fishnet Survival Stockings: Finally, fishnet stockings that
can actually be used for fishing. Constructed of super
strong Spectra line, these have proven very effective in
field exercises. ETS testers using these in the streams of
Northern Arizona have taken record trout. An attempt to
develop parachute cord net stockings to allow a wearer to
carry over 75 feet of paracord per leg has not yet proven
successful as excessive chafing has proved to be a problem.

BLACKFEATHER AND SWITLUCK INFLATE SNOWSHOE SALES

BlackFeather Snowshoe Company introduced their unique
SurvivaSnoShu snow shoes, developed in cooperation with the
Switluk Parachute Company. While few will argue that
having a pair of snow shoes is a huge advantage in deep
snow, carrying a pair of bulky and relatively heavy snow
shoes around in your pack or aircraft in case they are
needed in an unexpected emergency is not common. The new
SurvivaSnoShu weighs less than 6 ounces a pair and are
vacuum-packed into a 3 x 3 x 1-inch package.

To use, a lanyard is pulled and the snow show inflates
using an attached CO2 cartridge. The technology was
developed by Switluk, one of the country's oldest and best
known manufacturers of inflatable survival equipment. The
Micro-CO2 cartridge is just 2 inches long and less than a
1/2 inch in diameter and is pressurized at 10,000 psi.
These cartridges are made in Russia especially for Switluk
from the hulls of decommissioned Russian submarines, making
them relatively affordable. The inflated SurviaSnoShu is
large enough to support up to a 350 lb. person.

Unlike many inflatable structures such as life rafts and
life vests which are low pressure designs, the
SurvivaSnoShu is inflated to 20 PSI, making for a very
rigid structure. This is made possible only through the use
of a Kevlar/Spectra reinforced silicone/nylon material that
was originally developed for lightweight bullet proof
clothing used by the Secret Service to protect our nation's
leaders. The only down side is the cost, nearly $5,000 per
yard, making for a fairly expensive product as a pair of
shoes requires about a yard and a half of material.
Bindings are made of special conformal tripolynylon
material that will conform to almost any shoe or boot.
There is no stitching, all the seams are ultrasonically
welded.

BlackFeather expects retail pricing for the SurvivaSnoShu
to be in the $15,000 range and predicts sales of thousands
of units the first year.

ETS REVIEWS NEW FEMA SURVIVAL KIT

In response to all of the recent disasters, and suggestions
that they don't know their butt from a hole in the ground
and couldn't manage their way out of a paper bag, the
Federal Emergency MisManagement Agency (FEMA) assembled
experts from over 1,100 government agencies and non-
governmental organizations to develop a complete survival
kit for every day carry by the average citizen, thereby
allowing them to handle any disaster until the seriously
delayed help from FEMA arrives.

Equipped to Survive obtained a pre-production sample and
gave it thorough going over. We were left a bit less than
impressed. They say the kit is complete, but we couldn't
find their definition of complete in our dictionary. The
kit must be ordered from FEMA at least a year in advance of
the calamity you are planning for, and then it will only
arrive three weeks after the calamity. Pre-positioning
issues are apparently the problem, according to the FEMA
spokesperson.

The 6,000 pound kit comes pre-packaged in a 16-foot trailer,
which made us question the every-day carry label. It does
come with several trailer hitch configurations, but the
user is expected to provide their own hitch equipped
vehicle to tow it with. A 1-ton pickup truck with a large
V-8 or V-10 is recommended, but a 3/4-ton will suffice.
Don't even think of trying to use a car or light pickup.

When you open Volume One of the Instruction Manual (there
are 23 Volumes, with instructions in 74 different languages
including Basque and Urdu), the list of items included in
the kit is dizzying. It even has equipment for mine
emergencies as recommended by the Mine Safety
Administration (oxygen canisters, tunnel boring equipment).
You will need to take out the MPFMS (Multi-purpose Fresnel
Magnifying System) to read the lists, as the type is very
small. After you review the listed items to make sure your
kit is complete, we recommend you ditch Volume One. We
tried to use it as tinder, but it seems that the pages have
been treated to make it fire-resistant on the advice of the
National Safety Council and the Forest Service.

The first thing Volume Two says to do in a disaster
situation is obtain shelter. An excellent recommendation,
and the kit offers three solutions: First is a 15 page form
to obtain a FEMA trailer. This is not recommended, as we
have been waiting 12 weeks already for our trailer. The
second option are copies of all the AAA travel guides for
the U.S. and instructions on how to obtain FEMA paid
housing, a 64-page application form (with 130 pages of
instructions) and a FedEx box with pre-paid shipping. This
is also not recommended as we have yet to hear back from
FEMA on our application and calling the toll-free number to
check on it only results in recordings that say their
operators are busy and to call back next year.

The third option is to construct the TMDU, or Temporary
Modular Dwelling Unit. Remove the building components (they
are on the first two pallets after the Instruction Manuals.
A fork-lift is recommended, but not provided) and follow
the 110 pages of instructions (the first 98 of which are
cautionary warnings). The shelter must be built sitting on
the ground, as the Department of Justice mandated it comply
with the Americans with Disabilities Act and an elevator is
not provided. This could be a problem when shelter from
flooding is needed. After you finish building the shelter,
the instructions indicate that you must hire a licensed
plumber and electrician to complete the work. Hardly
practical in a survival situation, thought the Manual does
include regional lists of contact numbers (they appear to
be pages copied from local yellow pages directories) and a
complete set of Davis-Bacon Wage Act compliance forms. Make
sure to use the blue ink required, but be advised that only
pens with black ink are supplied, all 24 boxes worth.

After shelter, the Instruction Manual (Volume 3-7)
concentrates on providing survivors with warmth. However,
we were distressed to find that nothing was included on how
to make fire nor any dedicated firemaking materials
included in the kit. According to FEMA, the National Fire
Protection Association objected to any use of open flame or
inclusion of flammable materials. Instead, when warmth is
required the Manuals focus on things like the pleasure of
fleece, group hugs, and how to get a bus ticket to Miami.
We see this is a major deficiency.

Volumes 8-17 of the Instruction Manual covers First Aid,
but these seem to be little more than photocopies of Gray's
Anatomy with a student's hand-written notes in the margins.
Private parts have been censored with black blocks. Their
primary recommendation is to call 911 for medical
assistance and an old-fashioned plug-in phone is provided.
We're thinking they forgot something here.

Volume 18 covers hydration. They say that trying to purify
water on your own is dangerous and should not be undertaken,
according to the FDA and EPA. Boiling contributes to
greenhouse gases and ozone depletion, and chemical means
could harm certain slugs in Madagascar. Plus, the Manual
says that no one (at least, no one the creators know)
would ever go to a party where "bootleg" water was served.
Instead, the kit includes 14 cases of bottled dehydrated
water to save weight, dehydrated lemons for use as an
antidote to the stale taste of long stored dehydrated
water, and instructions on how to ask for more water from
the rescue helicopters flying overhead. By this point we're
beginning to wonder if anyone at FEMA has actually tried to
drink dehydrated water and whether they think survivors
will find this humorous or if they are just idiots that
have just been bamboozled by their suppliers. The FEMA
spokesperson assured us it is the highest quality
dehydrated water available and they pay a high premium for
it. She did admit that in their internal tasting the
dehydrated water did seem to taste a bit dry. So, we
suppose, the answer is as expected, they are idiots.

Volume 19 talks about survival in extreme conditions, such
as a nuclear attack, meteor strike, or getting caught at a
Cheap Trick reunion concert. We reviewed the instructions,
and found that several of them were anatomically
problematic, if not impossible. Older males especially will
not have the flexibility required and we don't believe the
yoga instructions provided to improve flexibility will be
much help given the expected available time to complete the
procedures.

Volume 20 of the Instruction Manual covers food and how to
open the 16 crates of MREs provided. It also includes long
chapters on how to find food in certain areas; but here
again, these are just lots of pages copied out of AAA
travel guides. We were glad to know that the coffee shop at
the Motel 6 in Alton, Georgia, did rate a knife and fork,
plus two stars.

Volume 21, which covers signaling and communication, was
less than useless. Bring a cell phone, was it, though it
took them 40 pages to get to that. The included
entertainment module includes a DVD player, a pallet of
alkaline AA-cell batteries, and the complete SONY movie
library, and is a nice touch for keeping survivors
occupied while FEMA fiddles.

Volume 22 and 23 were the index for the Instruction Manual.
Just the index.

In conclusion, we are worried about the size of the kit,
and on its being there when you need it. For example,
putting you and the full kit on the one-person life raft
included is a head-scratcher of the first order. Ditto
carrying it while traveling by air. Unless you have the
requisite truck with a trailer hitch, carrying it anywhere
seems difficult. The FEMA personnel we talked to insisted
that the included items were the minimum necessary in
emergency situations, and that they would not recommend
adding or removing anything from the kit. They did say that
they were experimenting with vacuum packing the entire kit
in an attempt to reduce the bulk so that it would fit in a
14-foot trailer, which would be, according to the
spokesperson, "more pocketable."

When asked why a knife was not included, they said that the
MREs all came with little plastic spoons, and the
Children's Defense Fund was concerned about the safety of
small children. When asked about the possibility of
including a condom, even for water storage, FEMA flatly
refused to comment.

CANDYMAKER DEMANDING ETS MEMBERS STOP USING THEIR TINS

In an unexpected move, Altoids, the international maker of
the curiously strong candy mint, is threatening Equipped
To Survive Survival Forum members with legal action for
using Altoids tins as survival kit containers. Taking the
recent actions of the recording industry as an example,
where individuals were sued by the RIAA for swapping music
files, Altoids said that swapping the contents of their
unique metal tin - mints - for so much "outdoor twaddle"
amounted to a breach of contract. "The tin says Altoids on
it," said a company VP during his tea break, "not bandages,
flints, and fishing line."

To keep good relations with the candy maker and to protect
its patrons, Equipped to Survive has entered into a
partnership with Apple Computer to create iTins, an online
store where ETS members who wish to create an Altoids tin
survival kit can obtain an empty Altoids tin to use without
repercussions. The special iTins Altoids tins do not
include any contents information, so there will be no
conflict. New standard size tins can be obtained for only
99 cents each. Smaller sized Altoids tins, such as those
for the breath strips and chewing gum, will sell for 55
cents each. A portion of the sales price will be
contributed to the Equipped To Survive Foundation.

Talks are also under way with the Kiwi shoe polish company
and several tobacco companies to include their tins. The
iTins web site should be up and running by March 32, 2007.

NEW LIMITED EDITION RSK MKI TO BE PRODUCED

Following on the success of the Doug Ritter M2 Steel
Limited Edition RSK MkI, another limited edition version
will be available in late Fall of 2006. Moving away from
conventional materials, the new Limited Edition RSK MkI BOB
will have a handmade blade of black obsidian. The blades
for this extraordinary collector's item are each slightly
different being one-of-a-kind productions hand flintknapped
by certified native Americans hired by Benchmade through a
special government program to bring native American jobs
home from China.

Each obsidian blade is laser marked, numbered and signed
on the reverse side by the blade craftsman. The holes for
both the ambidextrous thumb stud and the pivot are laser
drilled through the stone as conventional drilling proved
to be too much for the fragile material. After drilling,
the pivot area is precision ground flat and parallel on
both sides using a diamond paste slurry and special Teflon
bushings are installed. A flat face the diameter of the
thumb studs is ground on both sides so the thumb studs seat
properly on special neoprene washers.

Obsidian edges are so sharp that they are still used for
scalpels in delicate operations. These knives come with a
pair of Kevlar gloves to protect the user from cuts,
leather doesn't even faze these edges, it will slice
through them like a hot knife through butter. The blade is
relatively fragile and while suitable for actual field use,
there is no guarantee against breakage. Only 50 of these
special knives will be made and they are priced at $559. A
photo of the prototype can be found at
www.equipped.org/RSKMk1-BOB.htm and expect an announcement
about pre-orders soon. All profits will go to support the
Equipped To Survive Foundation.

NEW CHANGES TO THE ETS SURVIVAL FORUM

As frequent readers of the ETS Survival Forum are aware, we
have recently been making improvements to the Forum. We
have added several new sub-forums and new moderators, and
more improvements are on the way. These include several
more sub-forums, including Around the Watercooler, a forum
for office survival; and Show Me Your Bomb, a forum for
dealing with travel preparedness in this era of the TSA
(Terminally Stupid Administration).

Another ETS Survival Forum item in development is the
"Chris Kavanaugh Cool Response Generator." Many readers
know Chris Kavanaugh as the Survival Forum Administrator,
and for having the wittiest and most incisive posts on the
Forum. Chris has had experiences that many of us can only
dream of, and many posters are rather intimidated by his
wise, if not oftentimes obtuse, worldliness. But now, with
the Chris Kavanaugh Cool Response Generator, a poster can
turn a simple response into a pithy, witty, repartee that
everyone will want to read. For example, if you enter "I
think that's right" into the Generator and click on the
WWCS? button (What Would Chris Say?) - PRESTO! - your
response becomes "That's what we would do when I was in the
(insert Armed Forces branch of your choice). But no matter
what, I'll take my trusty .303 any day!" Initial beta
testing will be done by select Forum members prior to
general release expected this Summer.
_______________________________________

ETS Survival News is copyrighted and may not be reproduced
without permission. Permission is granted to share this
newsletter in its entirety with friends and associates via
email or it can be found on the Web at
<http://www.equipped.org/ets_news_0104.txt>.

ETS Survival News is published irregularly when we damn
well feel like it, most often on March 32nd. We welcome
submittal of news items, but reserve the right to disregard
most anything we don't feel like publishing.

Letters to the editor are generally ignored unless they are
complimentary. <mailto:dritter@equipped.org>

Today's issue was written by Clifford Grout and Doug Ritter
and edited by Doug Ritter, just so you know whom to blame.

We hope you have enjoyed this attempt at some April Fools
humor. If we have inadvertently offended anyone, well, you
really need to get a life. "The human race has one really
effective weapon, and that is laughter." - Mark Twain

If you enjoyed this newsletter, prior issues of ETS Survival
News can be found at <http://www.equipped.org/ets_news.htm>.
_______________________________________

Copyright (c) 2006 Equipped To Survive Foundation
All rights reserved - www.equipped.org