http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

A rather long thread that is well worth reading. This is about a guy who possibly works as a shopping center security guard, but thinks he is serving in a Special Ops unit. Enjoy! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Here are some pearls from that thread:

"I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls."

"The SWAT prettyboys were overpowered by the Gap,"

" I will be completing my ninjisu training in a little over 8 months, and then I will be a Master of Ninjitsu, a true "Ninja". "

"BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual."

"it is not Chechin thzat we have to worry about, it is the Australian militants, and I dan't care if they reed this, they allready know that we are onto them and we will not give up."

"... the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity's signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot,"

And finally the story to put it all over the top

"It was about 8:45PM, and the mall was closing and nearly empty. Me and my 'shadow' were sweeping quadrant 069E, the mall arcade, a known hotspot for Asian Gangs and assorted thugs. The arcade was located at the far east end of the mall, next to the movie theater and the orange julius.I smelled trouble, and couldn't spot any movement from the arcade, which was unusual due to the presence of a new Mortal Compact arcade game. Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat.I went to 'condition red,' and discretely unholstered my Glock17 loaded with Black Talons. I motioned to my partner to sweep right to flank the arcade, but he was already in motion sensing the trouble in my facial expression. My partner drew his S&W 1006 and went prone behind a potted palm tree.

I crept towards the arcade, when the power went out. It was an ambush! I could still see relatively well due to the full moon, shining through the building's skylights, and years in a dark secret Russian prison center had honed my natural night vision to that of a tomcat.

A perp popped up from behind the Orange Julius counter with a full auto Kalashnikov with a 75rd drum, and opened up in the direction of my partner, meanwhile two perps popped up from behind the skeeball machine with sawed off 12 gauges. Another two perps appeared on the upper level and brought down hell-fire on us from above. One had a Winchester Model 70 in .30-06 with a 10x scope and the other was laying down suppressive fire with a Mac10 variant. The perps were all sporting cheap russian NVGs.

I dove under a metal bench, and lined my sights on the AK bandit. A double-tap to the chest, and a quick follow-up to the head brought him down like a sack of potatos. My partner had been hit in the leg by some buckshot but he kept fighting like a champ, he took out one of the shotgunners with a 10mm hollowpoint to the temple, while I started unloading into the glass partition that surrounded the upper level. When the sniper ran for cover I drew a bead on him, adjusted for distance, and dropped two into his abdomen. The Mac-man ran for it, at the sight of the bloody guts pouring out his partner's stomach.

I did a quick tactical reload, grabbed the 870P from the harness on my back, and did some rolls over to the movie theater and back flipped over the concession counter while unloading the 5 rounds of 000 into the skeeball machine. My partner was pinned down, I tossed the empty 870, and realized I couldn't hit the remaining perp due to my the poor angle of attack. I had to act fast or my partner was done for. I leap over the counter again, and low crawled towards the arcade unseen. I crept behind the Mrs. PacMan game, and when I heard the perp reload, jumped up with my trusty K-Bar, and threw it into the perp's arm, pinning him against the wall behind him.

When the smoke cleared, we had three dead perps, and two very scared prisoners. My partner was slighting wounded but he would live to fight another dayl. The company goons came in fast by chopper, to cover up the situation. The remaining perps were flown to a company detention center, and we never found out what happened to them, or why they made such a vicious attack. My belief is that they were planning to hijack the coveted Mortal Combat game unit.

The remaining customers and employees were paid off to cover their emotional distress and to keep their mouths shut. Later an unknown shadowy figure in an expensive black suit (obviously a high ranking company guy) came to me as I was reloading my Rem870 (in case of a second wave of attackers) and offered me the job opportunity of a lifetime?

I don't know if I made the right decision that day. I will always fondly remember the days of mall security, the expressions on the thankful patrons you saved from certain molestation in the mall bathrooms. The look of pain in the drooling face of the shoplifter you just choke-holded to unconciousness."

I remember that piece. I practically fell over myself laughing when I first encountered it. It was one of the best spoofs I ever read. <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Norad, Unfortunatly I don't think it is a "Spoof". BS, yes, but I think that Geicko45 was actually trying to pass this story off as real :rolleyes:

It was entertaining though!

If true that makes it even funnier! Either way, the guy is now an internet legend. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

At least in the Begining I think he was trying to pass it off as real.... but towrds the end it just started to read like a comic book. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

By the way, what ever happened to Smole?

I've read comics that were more believable. X-men comes to mind...

True, true... but none the less entertaining <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Reading that reminded me of when my wife was pregnant with our youngest, and she sent me to the store at 1 am for flaming hot cheetos. As I was walking in to the store I see the security guard who was about 5’5 and at least 300lbs running and jumping as best he could with two of the hand held shopping baskets, clapping them together. Now not only did I find this strange, but also funny, I shake my head and move on.

After I got my chips I am heading to the check out when he goes running by again I look at the woman running the check out and ask her what he is doing. I was not ready for the reply that she gave and almost fell to the floor laughing. It seems that a bat had some how got in to the store and he was trying to catch it so no shopper would get rabies, “because all bats have rabies.”

So lets all say a silent prayer for those who protect us while we shop. Those who are willing to put their lives on the line. Those who keep us safe from bats in the 24 hour grocery or the 13yo thugs that are packing a nuclear powered blasters at the mall arcade.

The Mall Ninja has entered into the Internet Hall of Fame.