43 March 2005
To the Editor
ETS Survival News
I just finished reading the 3rd edition of the ETS Survival News, and I am writing to complain about your review of your book, JOY OF SURVIVAL COOKING.
Firstly, let me say that it is highly unusual for an author to review his own book. This makes me suspect that you got more out of your deal with Disney than cash. Like, marketing tips.
While JOY OF SURVIVAL COOKING appears a to be well written tome and beautifully illustrated (for crayons, anyway) your cooking tips need to be more clear. Please note the following items:
1. The ETS Signature Kitchen Aid “Tinder-Matic and Food Processor” you recommend seems to be just a food processor painted green with “ETS” stenciled on the side in red letters. And, at 13 pounds, it is hardly “pocket carry”, even if it is “dual-use”. Plus, it doesn’t make very good tinder - 2 inch branches seem to break the blades.
2. The chapter “Survival Etiquette” seems to be out of place. While having Martha Stewart as a guest author may be a draw, this chapter has little to do with staying alive. Though, the aspen-leaf doilies were particularly fetching.
3. When practicing survival cooking at home, you should caution your readers to ask their neighbor’s permission BEFORE rummaging through their back yard looking for worms, grubs, slugs and fiddlehead fern shoots. Most neighbors frown upon this action, and few, if any, local constabulary (or court-appointed psychologists) have ever heard of your book.
4. You do not say anywhere that the Lemony Red Ants must be extremely dead before eating. Ditto, the scorpion tails. On a related note, you make no mention of Neosporin being for external use only.
5. The Black Beetle Reduction is more than smashing them into a gooey paste with rocks. Cooking IS required.
6. In the chapter “Acquiring Ingredients”, listing the names and addresses of all Members of Congress under “sources for worms, grubs and slugs” hardly seems practical, if brutally honest. And, is “dinner and a movie first” really the best way to acquire rocky mountain oysters in a survival situation?
7. The “How to Cook Your Own Arm” chapter seemed a little mean-spirited to me.
8. The recipe for “Crunchy Frog” and the use of Lark’s vomit as an ingredient were lifted straight from Monty Python. Likewise, few of us have a “Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch” in our EDC, so I should think that the recipe for “Killer Rabbit stew” is right out as a practical matter.
Thank you for your time in this matter. I hope my comments will be taken in the spirit (I recommend Jack Daniels) in which they were given, and can be incorporated into the next edition of the book. I am sorry that you will not be penning the JOY OF SURVIVAL SURGERY, but I understand someone (and his lawyers) beat you to that one.
Yours,
…..CLIFF
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