Anybody have any suggestions? Physically she's in good shape. Long term memory is good. Decision making is weak. Short term memory is the big problem.

Checklists. If she is willing and able to train to follow checklists, then make really good ones.

The more things that are pre-configured and ready to roll, the better. Mrs. Magnet’s checklist for evacuating the house (in my absence) is very simple: People, dogs, emergency kit (in her car already), two bins, go.

She probably wouldn't remember where the list is. Her GP recommended that she no longer drive a couple of months ago. He has also requested that I accompany her when she comes in due to not remembering what he tells her. Decision making is to the point where she will not pick a restaurant when I take her out.

I'm not sure what else to suggest. I'm sorry.

IIRC the typical way to use checklists in that situation is to put the checklist in a place where its seen. Think like how businesses and office buildings have fire/tornado/earthquake evac maps posted at conspicuous locations.
Take an evac checklist as Blast's example. Have one mounted on the wall where she sleeps so if she wakes up to say a house fire the checklist is one of the first things she sees.

Unfortunately her preparations are now going to be relying on you. I don't want that to sound mean or harsh, I'm very sorry for what she and your family are going through. A lot of the prep's for young children will apply. Having lists of meds, Dr's, contact information, and important paperwork safely stored else where or ready to go. Important paper work for the elderly should also include wills, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, medical and life insurance information.

If she doesn't live with you granny cams will help. Even if she lives with you, cameras might be a good thing. If she becomes injured and you don't see it happen, when you ask and she says I don't know. Now you can look back and see what happened. Even if it is to just find her glasses. Check lists attached to places where she will see them may help. Using medication organizers. Keeping her in familiar surroundings can help keep her grounded and in a routine.

The reason I mentioned the camera's is a good friend of mine went through this with her mom. Having the cameras in the house allowed the mom to live in the "family" home for several years longer that she would have been able to otherwise. Of course you may also learn that her favorite breakfast is beer and ice cream. My friend stopped by several times a week to stock food and provisions for her mom so there was only a few bottles of beer at any given time. Along with that she could also monitor whether or not mom took her medications, if she didn't a phone call to gently remind her to do so.

You will need something to keep her occupied if you have to go somewhere or bug out. If you think it's bad when the kid's are asking "are we there yet". It's worse when mom asks for the tenth time "where are we going". This could be something as simple as asking something about the past she does remember, a favorite trip or vacation, something you did when you were little, a favorite movie, or old family pictures stored on a portable player. This will be something that you have to figure out and it will change as time goes on. A friend of mine confessed to me once that he felt horrible about whet he did to his mom who's short term memory loss now spanned several years. Several times a week he would loudly say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM" and then hand her a stack of birthday cards from years gone by and she would dutifully read each on out loud, fold the card back up, place it on the bottom of the stack, read the next one, and roll all the way through the stack. When she came back to the first one she didn't remember that she had already read it, she could do this for hours. He said that this was the only thing that made her very happy and kept her engaged for several hours.

Aging parents can be a very difficult thing to deal with. For myself, I've had to start locking up the ladders so that they are not accessible. My 80+ year old mom thinks that it's still OK to get on the roof to sweep the leaves. Yes, it's good that she is still active but it's always in the back of my mind about what is she going to do next time.

I hope some of this has been helpful and not just depressing. I know this will require a great deal of time and patience for you and your family.

Pretty much the same thing I was already thinking. I'm lucky that the person that built our house built it as essentially a duplex. Except for laundry and HVAC it's a complete one bedroom in a walkout basement and two bedroom two bath upstairs.

The biggest problem I'm running into right now are the scam calls and legitimate insurance companies wanting her to switch to their plan.

Yes, the repetition is challenging.

I'm glad that she is able to be close by and have her own space. I forgot about dealing with the phone. I'm sure that you are already changing her important contacts to your number and blocking any number that is not in her contact list. If she still has a land line there are blocking services. There are also answering machine size boxes that answers incoming calls before allowing the phone to ring and instructs the caller to go away if it is not for legitimate purposes, and then prompts the caller to dial 7 to get the call to go through. This one stops all robo calls and most of the in person spam calls.

We aren't there yet, but it likely won't be too many years away. Some great suggestions here, thanks.

Having been there with several parents and in-laws, the care level indeed starts looking more and more like that of caring for a child, and progresses to a younger state. Stop driving. Remove access to ovens & burners. Remove phones. Remove control of finances/ bills ... Stop mail except for reading materials. Lessen/ simplify/ remove choices. Prevent ability to leave the building unaccompanied.

At some point the care becomes a FULL time 24 hour job, whether provided by family or commercially (expensive!!).

Prepping options are limited to your own lists to make sure they are getting the care they need.

For loved ones with memory problems, the best advice I've heard is to live in their world. Don't try to convince them they are wrong - it really isn't necessary, and confuses and hurts them. For example, I think I know what I'm talking about ... and my wife says that she agrees with me. I'm happy. Life is good.

I switched the land line to forward to my cell today. I'm going to look into getting her a smart phone due to the call screening ability.

I have been through dealing with a parent with dementia/Alzheimer's twice. Very early on they may be able to read a checklist and follow it but during an emergency probably not. And I would be very worried if they tried to drive somewhere--as they may forget how to get where they were going and without a cellphone you can't contact them. Plus, they may forget the cellphone, or even just forget how to answer it when it is ringing.

If at all possible, I would call the person with dementia and tell them to stay put. Then evacuate my family and drive to the elderly person's house and evacuate them. Or, even better, if you have two drivers, then send one to help evacuate the elderly person, then the other driver can handle the rest of the family. Also, plan a place where you are going to evacuate to so various parties can meet up. This needs to be planned in advance since even cellphones will be unreliable.

I would also put an "In case of Emergency" list on the elderly person's refrigerator BEFORE they need it. Then even a helping party can do the prep for them.

I suggest also prepping for them by getting as much medical information about their medical needs as possible, including their medical issues, tests, treatments, and prescriptions PRIOR to any emergency events.

There is a lot more about this on the Listening to Katrina website that I have posted about before.

Listening To Katrina

I can speak about my experiences on this topic, feel free to PM me and i can give you my experiences and what i have learned.

Kind regards,
Kris

Ditched the landline completely. Working on getting her flip phone switched over to a smartphone. It will be an up-hill task but it's the only way to filter most of the spam/scam calls.

She does a variation of the birthday card thing herself. It's her calendar for her. Goes through it several times a day. It also helps her to remember things.

If it helps her to remember that's great.

Two points in mind

1 - Bathroom door lock
What if senior falls or has a problem, or even panics?
Do you have to break the door?
Get the door lock that you can open with a coin or spoon
(coin: meaning that you use the coin edge to turn the lock open)

2 - Camera
Just like monitoring kid's room, install a few cams around the house where she -God forbid- may get into trouble

I've got keys to all the doors that don't have a privacy type lock. All the interior doors are also hollow core.

She's not at the stage where cameras are needed yet.

Wow, oh wow. let's figure this out together. I have a very similar situation, both parents have had strokes, live in the woods, can't drive anymore, refuse to move anywhere and have increasingly challenging cognitive issues. I've tried EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF and the only thing that seems to work is driving down here (6 hours each way) and doing everything for them, and even then, I don't think it's working at all.

Really could use some ideas.

That’s a very tough situation MartinFocazio.

There are three options that come to mind. You could, if you or they could afford it, get some kind of support for them at their home. My grandmother, before she passed, was able to get along for years with the help of a young man who could maintain the property and drive her places. Second is to have someone live with them, either at their place, yours or some other place. And third is to find them some kind of assisted living arrangement.

You may have to go to court and have them declared incompetent if they refuse all workable options..

Install cameras. I mentioned earlier about a friend that I helped install the cameras in her mom's house. The mom had a stroke but was active and in good health otherwise. The cameras and good neighbors helped keep her in her house for a couple of years longer than she would have been able to stay in the family home. I commented on the beer and ice cream for breakfast, that was the funny story. "Mom" was rolling in the trash can one morning, stumbled, and then went head first into the can. She wasn't seriously injured, skinned knees and a few bruises, called one of the neighbors who helped mom get out of the garbage can and into the house. My friend only lived an hour and change away, fortunately not 6 hours. When she shows up an hour and a half later and asks her mom if she's ok. Her mom replies with, I'm good but my knee hurts. When asked why her knee hurts the mom says "I don't know". Without the cameras they would not have known there was a problem until one of the neighbors noticed something wrong and called. Eventually the mom was moved to a home because of her memory problems were slowly getting worse. The good and bad was that by then her memory was to the point that after a few weeks she settled into the new place without to much grief of being forced out of the family home. My friend also had siblings and family that helped with the camera monitoring and frequent visits.

Unfortunately, at some point you will have to make a hard decision that they are not going to like. There will be many other things that come up between now and then and I hope that you have support from others in the family that can help shoulder the load. Enlist your children into helping too, remind them that this is training for when you get old.

Well, there's the challenge. I live far away. I have a lot of obligations where I live, for my family, my community. I can't live where my parents live...here's my life lately.


Camera goes wavy...flashback montage to early 2022...phone call in the dark...dad gravely ill...driving a dark interstate in the middle of the night....dad's in an ambulance...at hospital...moved to bigger hospital...massive surgery underway...mom's prior strokes make it impossible for her to manage house...so much drama and tears...day...night...day...night...but wait! remarkable recovery...but there will be challenges at home...etc etc etc etc...

During all this:

After 114 (yes, one-hundred-fourteen) phone calls, I found three qualified home care agencies, did a LOT of background checks and referral checks on the company, the management, the health care aides, etc. A LOT of checking.

When dad came home from hospital, I stayed with them at the house for a while, worked to establish the cadence of what the in-home aide did for their 8 hours a day until things were there all flowing well...and went home.

THREE DAYS LATER - I'm working home at my desk...my phone rings.

"We sent the aide home."

"WHAT???!!! Was there a problem? What happened??"

"We just don't want anyone in our house. We don't like it."

"BUT...BUT...they are there to help out with chores and stuff...and driving...and if you fall..."

"We're not having anyone in this house who we don't want here. That's final."

Fortunately, I keep instant ice-packs in my first aid kits, so the bruises on my forehead weren't too bad, but my desk sustained some damage.

Sigh.
I did EXACTLY THIS for mom and dad. A wonderful big whiteboard in the kitchen, with clearly color-coded stuff (blue checklists for dad, red checklists for mom), all of the doctor's phone numbers, a calendar with all of the things that need to happen in the upcoming weeks.

Dad didn't like the way it looked, and mom forgot to look at it anyway, so they took it down after I left.

There's an old saying. You can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. When parents hit this stage you can't even lead them to water without a ruckus. They get stubborn. Sounds you are doing all of the right things and I wish you well.

I know you are being rational and explaining what needs to happen to them. It doesn't work. When my dad was still alive he had reached the stage of limited mobility, had to use a walker or wheelchair. He didn't want to use either, because he felt that he didn't need to. Until he fell and then wanted someone to pick him up. Mom would want to help but couldn't pick him up, I would ask where his walker was and why wasn't he using it. I don't need it would be the reply, of course it always made him mad when I said then how did you wind up on the floor this time. His walker had several horizontal bars on each side, I would brace it and tell him to pull himself up and get on his feet. He would refuse and tell me to pick him up. It really made him mad when I said that I can't because you significantly out weight me and that his current choices are climb up the walker or I'm calling the paramedics to pick you up, then you get to go for a ride to the ER, once there you will probably get to go to the rehab place for about a month before you can come back home. He would yell and tell me that I can't do that and that I should get out of his house. I would reply with you can't do anything because you're on the floor and can't get up. Somewhere through this he would get mad enough to climb up the walker and within a few minutes he would forget the whole thing happened. We played this game several times a week... I always thought I was smarter than my siblings for not getting married.. Guess who moved in with the old people.

Having said that, me being able to do that meant that mom was able to keep dad at home longer than she would have been able to without me here. I'm also not saying this to make you think that you need to move in with them either, no guilt or implications are intended. I'm still living at home with my 83 year old mom. I can see her slow down a little. She's doing well and still driving, my brother, his wife, and myself ride along with her often enough to keep an eye on her driving abilities. But earlier today we were talking and she even talked about how as we age we get a lot more stubborn. I whole heartedly agreed.

I already did after I graduated college the first time. The man that built the house built a two bed/two bath upstairs and one bed one bath downstairs including kitchens and garages on both levels except for laundry and HVAC. Before my stepdad passed away in 09, I'd see them on laundry day or when I stopped through to check the mail.

It's hard to see parents decline...and not have much support to call on.
When my mother was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, needed someone to look after her, and I had been appointed her conservator, she became very disagreeable. I knew that this was partly the disease, and partly just her personality. I put up with it as long as I could, until the day she screamed at me that she didn't want me to be her conservator anymore. I told her that the court said that she had to have one, that I was the only one in the family who was willing to do it, and had volunteered. Since I volunteered, I could quit at anytime, she would become a ward of the state, and live in a white tile room like "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". She remembered that movie, looked horrified, and immediately modified her behavior.
As the disease progressed, she became a perfectly lovely person to be around.

My mother was very independant, so it was hard for me seeing her in bed and my sister feeding her.

Her father died while he was preparing breakfast for himself.
Never accepted to be served by anyone.

When these people fall, its heart-breaking