I have a few life issues to resolve. They have to do with people, some of whom have very difficult ( moody, negative ..etc. ) characters. For example : when faced with a problem, I take a deep breath , maybe some time to abosrb the shock, and then spend most of the time trying to (rationally) analyze the problem and develop a solution. Some people around me will not only be whining, they will act emotionally and haphazardly, and so they mess up that problem in a way that it becomes harder to solve.

These people also drain your energy and focus, and you become divided between trying to solve the problem, and trying to keeping your own head together.

I thought maybe the MBTI may help me understand people and learn how to deal with them. So question is : has anyone of you used the MBTI or any other such field of knowledge to smooth some of your problems and deal better with difficult personlities ?

Thanks

A quicker and more accessible method might be to read Dealing with Difficult People by Brinkman and Kirschner. You can knock it out in an evening and it may give you a bit of insight into how to deal with the subject matter. No affiliation.

Broadly, I divide my dealings with difficult people into these groups:

• Turkeys: This is my term for people that offer me nothing and are just aggravating. I do my level best to spend as little time interacting with these people as possible.
• Turkeys at work: This is my term for aggravating people that I need to interact with professionally. For these people I apply the lessons I've learned from the book above and other formal and practical study to figure out what they want or need. I then try, within reason, to provide it to them. If I can't "turn them sweet" and they're too aggravating over time, I have been known to limit or end my association with them. I've fired clients and in one case quit a job because the interpersonal unpleasantness wasn't worth it to me.
• Friends and loved ones who do aggravating things: self explanatory. I am far from perfect and I try to keep that in mind as I deal with these folks. Sometimes the roles we were born into (brother, sister, child, parent) follows us around and makes it hard for some to act like adults. Mostly, though, I find that calming myself down and then helping the friend or loved one calm down allows us all to communicate clearly and come to resolution when issues occur.

The key for me is self-knowledge: I need to recognize when I'm being emotional or unreasonable and deal with it. That allows me to calmly and rationally engage with others and contribute towards the resolution of problems. I'm way better at this since I had children .

Back to the MBTI. If you already understand yourself and where you fit on it, it's probably not worth the effort. If on the other hand you're not sure how you fit within its framework or how the others around you might fit, you'll probably find it very helpful.

Thanks chaos

As far as calming everyone in any situation, it only solves the immediate situation but does nothing to "fix" some people's mentality as to guarantee it won't happen again. Some people are soooooo self-centred and narrow minded , and this shows on most of their behaviour.

Imagine a messy situation where someone goes hystrical and makes it more messy. You work hard, and finally solve the problem, and that person just says : ahhhhh, I was praying all the time, and God has answered my prayers. Taking credit is the least problem here. Those persons NEVER feel that they are part of the problem; the bigger part of it in fact.

Sorry chaos, I will have to ask you to explain this part because I didn't understand what you meant.

Thanks

Agreed. Getting calm so that you can talk only works with people who are capable of meaningful communication.



I have regretfully concluded that I need to exclude those people from my life to the extent practical. Whether or not they can be fixed I don't know, I sure know that it isn't my job to fix them and I should be spending my time on things and people that won't drive me nuts. Honestly I just do not have the patience to maintain relationships with purported adults who cannot or will not take responsibility for their lives. You may find that you don't need to take that kind of approach.



Many people find it helpful to know about the MBTI personality types and where they themselves fit on the four axes. For example, I'm ENTJ: mildly Extroverted, almost neutral on Sensing vs. iNtuitive, moderately Thinking and strongly Judgemental -- and I knew that without taking an MBTI instrument in no small part because I've studied psychology in college. If you're not sure where you fit on one or more of these axes, you may find taking an MBTI instrument useful, even if it's one of the free online versions.

More helpful may be to figure out where the others in your life are on these axes. One of my daughters is INFP and approaches many things from a very different perspective than me. This informs my parenting approach with her.

Here's a decent-enough explanation: http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html.

Keep in mind that with just about everything related to human brains and personalities the MBTI oversimplifies. Think of it as a framework to begin understanding rather than the Rosetta Stone of personality.

Thanks chaos

I have taken the test once or twice. Last time about six months ago IIRC and it gave me one primary type and secondary type.

Off course, it is not like exact science.
In many circumstances I am an introvert, but still do OK with people. Having the choice however, I would prefer to be alone and in a quiet atmosphere.

Sometimes, I relate myself to Bill Gates ( same age ..etc. ) although me & him are a few billion dollars apart LOL. I have noticed that he became president or general manager ( or whatever) of Microsoft for some time when it was necessary, but when the chance came, he left the bigger chair and went back to R&D. Knowing myself, I would have done the same. At my current job, I have declined some managerial positions and remained "in the back room" where I prefer to be.

So my personality type ( INTJ or whatever ) is most comfortable when contact with aggravating people is at the minimum.

I am going to take the test about 5 times with 2 week intervals, so that I have confidence in the results, then maybe I will read/watch a few lectures or seminars about MBTI functions to better analyze those around me.

I'll second this recommendation. I've actually recommended this book a couple times on various threads here, so I'll just quote what I said earlier:

Thanks Denis



I have neutralized this probability by making sure that I am never, and I mean NEVER, the interfering party. I have "psychologially retired" and do not interfere in other people affairs . And the people and situations I am here to learn to deal with are when someone else comes to me, and forces me into some kind of a problem. Or someone who creates, messes up a problem very close to me, and I see myself in the middle of it against my own will.

In such cases it doesn't matter, IMHO, what kind of person I am. It is someone else who created the confrontation by forcing me into something I don't want to be part of.

Take the example of our supervisor who had to deal with a very baaaaad manager. Without my knowlege he put my name as the "expert" on something, and suddenly I saw myself in the middle of a mess between a dictatorial & moody manager, a belwildered team, and a "do it yesterday" type situation. I did the job the best I could, then smashed my supervisor, and made sure he doesn't do that again.

In that situation, I didn't spend anytime analysing him and his frequent wrong decisions, or the best way to deal with him and his mistakes. I just blew up with anger. It works, but it hurts too. We are not young anymore. We are getting older and looking for peaceful quiet times.

Also, trying to make these people understand helps them to do the right thing in the future, not because they fear someone might get angry, but because they start to understand why their previous behavior was wrong.

Denis,

I'm pretty sure that I bought this book specifically because you recommended it on ETS, so let me offer you a belated "Thank you!"

Call Grumpy (which is my nickname to many people) or a cynic, but I have found that the majority of people who are concerned about their personality type use the MBTI as a crutch to explain away behaviors and not take responsibility for their actions. "I'm a (pick the alphabet mix that works for you) and I can't help it." However, there have been some who have looked at the proposed personality type and took it for what it is worth - it is a small part of their existence. I have taken the test numerous times and according to it I am worse than Sybil. The results depend on the mood and moment. In the end, it is a small tool that may help you understand a little bit more about yourself. But, it is not who you are. You are far more complex than four letters would indicate.

Actually, many people clutch to excuse of all sorts. For example, prepping itself has been used as an excuse by some to collect and horde large numbers of "prepping" gadgets. Some have collected dozens if not hundreds of knives ...etc. Some have even forgotten to enjoy life using the excuse of being "busy prepping". I think they have "prepping OCD".

Anyway. You are right that people are too complex to categorize with 4 letters each. Not only that but life itself is too complex to even think we can analyze.

Take for example the phrase "bad situation". I have seen it with my own eyes when a "bad situation" becomes the best thing that ever happened to some people because it was the only thing that worked to improve their personalities. They have become more understanding of others around them. Before that, no amount of discussion or convincing was working. When they faced deteriorating circumstaces and harsh realities, they started to THINK !!

So you are right that 4 letter symbols are not what we are , but still we can look at them as "multitools" to use in survival situations when we do not have the full tool box that we keep at home.

I was checking Amazon to order the book , then stumbled on a review that says the book "borrows" a lot of material from another earlier book :

Coping with Difficult People , by Robert Bramson


Check out the first review :

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071785...rd_i=007146333X


I am thinking to ordwer both books , as well as another one about "TOXIC coworkers". LOL. I like that description. LOL

I view these kind of tests as tools that can and should be used for a purpose.

For the individual, such a test should be a step to increased self awareness: What are my best and worst sides, and what triggers the best/worst in me? Then you might want to proceed to the next step: What do I want to improve to become a better version of myself?

For the group leader, such a test can be a tool for assembling a group with a higher probability of success for whatever project.

No tools are perfect, and some can be pretty harmful if used unwisely. In my view, if you take such tests and leave it at that it is pretty similar to take tool X out of your dad's toolbox, flap it around and play with it for a while, then put it back without ever realizing what X is for, how you use it and why.