OK, it's mid winter, no snow, and I'm bored. It occured to me that there must be some groaners (bad jokes) loosely related to survival out there. I'll start

Two guys, Moe and Joe, are getting ready for a hike in bear country. Moe looks up from lacing up his waffle-stompers and sees Joe putting on sneakers.

Moe: "Why are you wearing sneakers into the woods?
Joe: "If we are chased by a bear, I can run"
Moe: "You can't outrun a bear"
Joe: "Don't have to; just have to outrun you"

Just read this one and it reminded me of Frisket's Current PSK and, of course, our plane crash threads:

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief..... "I am saved!" The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?" The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

"Hello 911; I'm in the woods hunting with my friend and he looks awfully sick. I think he's dead"

"You think he's dead? Can you make sure"
::: BANG! BANG! BANG! ::::

"yeah he's dead"

This was voted the funniest joke ever in a poll and could be traced back to Spike Milligan who wrote it. The newspaper article headline was 'Did you hear the one about the writer whose joke was voted the funniest ever and he'd died the previous year?'

qjs

Good ones! Now this:

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS UNDER STRESS...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they always speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


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Wait, you can actaully give your cat valium, where do I get it?
I don't check my kids day timer, we are more modern than that, i check their google calendars to see whan i can schedule chores. I went from carrying a personal laptop to a smart phone years ago mainly for that reason.

In Alaska we have four seasons. There is "Early Winter", "Mid Winter", "Late Winter", and "Next Winter"!

What people down south call "Summer" is just the transition between Late Winter and Next Winter. If it falls on a weekend we usually have friends over and grill something and eat out on the back deck.

This old Italian man won the lottery. He has a new house built and decorated. He tells the decorator he wants a "Halo, statue" in every room. On reveal day, each room has a small statue of an angel. The old man is mad, "I wanna halo statue in every room!!" and stalks out. The angels are replaced with slightly larger statues of saints. Again, the old man is not happy, "No No NO, a halo statue in every room" and stomps out. The saints are replaced with statues of the Virgin Mary and Jesus. Again, the old man is not satisfied ' I saida I wanna halo statue in every room, what's wrong with you?" Exasperated the designer asks what kind of halo statue. "You know, it goes ring ring, you pick it up and say "Halo, statue?"

This and several other inside jokes always make the DW and I smile.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked;

"What would happen if I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice in the back volunteered,

"You'd be eating alone?"

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman:


"That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

Two atoms were walking down the street. One says "I lost an electron." The other one says "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive."