ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

There are Europeans on this forum, including me. So such form post might be a bit questionable.

It does however confirms the European view of Americans. Australia is on the other side of the world...

I've always wondered what America would do if it decided to hold a war, sent the UK an invitation RSVP but received a reply to the effect that owing to a prior commitment we are unable to attend.

John Cleese is one of my favourite comedians - but I must say you're a little late to the party. That piece came at least five years ago...


Even more hillarious are his "axis of evil" John Cleese: Axis of evil sarcasm, which came in 2003 or something. I think the threat level thingy came about the same time.... (Warning: He makes jokes about statements from a former president. May be borderline political for some viewers).

About offending Europeans - I personally wouldn't worry much. A European comedian making fun of neighbour countries is pretty much normal. (Due to history, Australia and America are also considered neighbours by the Brits).

Hearing the name John Cleese inevitably brings about re-runs of Monty Python through my head.

http://youtu.be/IqhlQfXUk7w

Seems about right from this side of the pond. I'm not sure our 'peeved' rating is much less useful than any other rating ;-)

Great humor. I would love to get Cleese's take on regional variations in the USA of the threat level - say California vs Texas...

The perfect european:

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.erothitan.com/press_info/images/the_perfect_european.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.erothitan.com/press_info/2002-10-28_the_perfect_european_en.html&h=600&w=870&sz=89&tbnid=RDHdWeoToYbT_M:&tbnh=84&tbnw=122&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dperfect%2Beuropean%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=perfect+european&docid=hh67nit2HV0KqM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=r-QfT6aAB4eCOvHHuK0O&ved=0CDYQ9QEwAQ&dur=658

any suggestions for 'as ... as an american'?
canadian?
japanese?
etc

qjs

Image fix

Why would you want to do that? We've been allies for most of the last 400 years. To quote a piece in Wikipedia:

"The United States is bound to Britain by shared history, a common language and legal system, culture, and kindred, ancestral lines in English Americans, Scottish Americans, and Welsh Americans, which can be traced back hundreds of years."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom%E2%80%93United_States_relations

A lot of the above is true of many other countries around the world.

IMO, what really needs to happen is the elimination of massive wars in favor of limited tactical special ops actions.

Wow! Good thing I didn't post any Benny Hill jokes....

As a Canadian, I'm insulted that I haven't been insulted.

I'll even write 'em for you.

Insult comic: Canadians are so completely lacking in pizzaz. I mean, they can't even screw up their own banking sector. Really? Look around. How hard can it be?

Insult comic: One of the really weird things about Canada is that you can go up and down the streets without getting mugged, carjacked, or shot at. I know it's cold up there, but geez, people, show some initiative.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We're not sure, but a Royal Commission has been urgently studying the matter ... since 1947.

(Only Canadians will get the last one.)

while funny, its unlikely that it was written by cleese.

seems to have been first posted in 2007 here:

http://tartfromhell.com/2007/03

and then a few month later by John Humberstone, found here:

http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html

a thread about this: http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=70255

Because it is received wisdom this side of the pond that American cannot hold a war unless we British are present to advise on the etiquette in such matters.

That works for me.....

This is a symptom of the ignorance of world history the general population has. Before the devastating blow in WWI, my French ancestors were hell bent for leather.

Jeanette Isabelle

D'Accord ma cher.

American's are woefully ignorant of many things. Sadly.


As an Englishman I would describe the French as many things. Cowardly is not found amongst them.

At the risk of straying into politics:

America's Francophobic attitude is beginning to wear. George Bush made the mistake of presuming to summon the French to battle like they were vassals.

The response to which, entirely rightly, was Non!

Before anyone brings up World War 2. America didn't liberate Europe for the fun of it. They did so because it was in their interests to do so. The Third Reich was a threat to the whole planet. Anyone who had bothered to read Mein Kampf should have had absolutely no doubts as to Hitler's intentions.

Domination of Europe and Asia in his lifetime. Conquest of the Americas in his childrens.

We should be mindful that all European nations,along with many others, contributed significantly to the American milieu. We embody the best and worst of all those stereotypes, which, while humorous, are definitely inaccurate and limited.

True. Truth is, real historical events rarely match the popular narrative. We embellish and fabricate the good and elminiate the bad, which gives most people a woefully inaccurate view of history. Same goes for the way we mythologize and misrepresent historical figures. The great thing about today however is the internet. So much history at your fingertips!

L'honneur français a été défendue par un chipmunk féroce.

Jeanette Isabelle

La plupart de Madame d'une manière amusante. Peux je vous rappeler que nous " ; Chunks" ; ont eu l'honneur de faire face aux Français dans la bataille. Car tels nous n'ont aucun doute quant à leur qualité.

Merci.


Essayer de dire cela à l'Amérique.

Jeanette Isabelle