I realize that you were probably just joking around in fun Mac, and I don't hold that against you, but there ARE people who espouse your attempted humor in a serious way. They are called criminals. Thus, my three recommended carry items would be:

(1) Pocket knife
(2) LED flashlight
(3) Firearm (training/knowledge/experience/profiency required)

Item (3) not to BE a criminal, but to PROTECT YOURSELF from one.