I have a will that provides for my family.

My baseball cards should go to my brother ("John"), that's not spelled out in the will but it should be here. They are worth about $45,000, before this recession. He should get that because I used to steal from his stash of weed growing up.

I am not ready to die. But if I die tomorrow, I'll remember the three times I knowingly cheated death, and how I keeped living beyond deadline. And the four women I loved in life. I hope to live long enough to cheat death at least once more.

I live the lines in movies - I hope that I am grateful for my victories, and humbled by my defeats. And there is so much beauty...

I'll keep my word and carry certain secrets to my grave. They don't matter much anyway.

I think I will suffer strokes before I die, if I have a natural death. That is my family's pattern. I don't want to die like my Dad will someday. He is alone, albeit surrounded by family, without any options of his own. I hope when that time comes for me I have family who understand this, and help me end it better than Dad and his Dad. I don't know if I can go all alone.

My Mom jokes about investing in an ice floe, but without humor that's how I prefer to go, facing the polar bear rather than a bed in assisted living. If I need assistance, its not living, to me. Dammit, the Inuits have most things right about life, and death. Apologies to SAR who finds my grisly carcass, but you're in my will too so I hope it doesn't traumatize anyone carrying me out.

I say this as a 47 year old, knowing alot more than I did at 25. Take it as my testament.