I know the name of the site is Prepared to Survive and not Prepared to Die.
When I ask this question I am not trying for drama.

We can't know when we will go.
It might be when we are old and decrepit, or it might be when we are still young.
We can't know how we will go.
It might be from natural causes or by accident.
It might be after a long illness, or it might be suddenly.

All any of us can really know is that eventually we will die, in spite of everything we can do to prevent it.

It is our wives and our kids who will have to deal with the aftermath when we are no longer living. I think most of us want it to be easier for them.

So, I ask those who have thought about it or had to deal with the aftermath of the death of somebody close:

What should you do to prepare your family for you eventual death?

A will?
Tell everybody how much they mean to you every day?
Make sure there will be financial records available to whomever inherits?
Funeral preparations (like type of service or type of burial)?

What Else?
What kind of things do you think should be done or discussed to prepare people in case you die?


I repeat, I am not trying for melodrama here.

Interesting twist. Being single, without kids, I haven't done much. Pretty much told my parents and GF that they can have whatever organs they want. I even joke that when I'm old and decrepit, they have to promise to drop me off on the side of the road in some national park, facing west to watch the sunset, and I'll just turn into bear poop. The hell with nursing homes.

Of course not. Nobody is.

I've seen enough death close up and personal and nothing - nothing you can do will prepare those you left behind.

I have come to the conclusion, after seeing death first hand, after experiencing near-death situations of my own, and seeing the aftermath of it all, that this life on earth that we have now is all there is, and all we'll get, so I don't obsess over what happens after I'm dead. To be blunt - it's the problem of those who live on after me and I have all the confidence in the world that they will figure out how to go on with their lives.

I've done what I can to leave some money, and to try to give my family a perspective on it all that is basically "carry one, we all go one way or another" and that's it.

A list of internet accounts (commercial & social) along with the passwords. If the DW dies at least I'll still be able to access our on-line banking as well as tell her homeschooling forum members what happened to her. (not that I expect anything to happen to her!)

-Blast

So, Blast.... if your DW goes happen to go first, what are the plans for the cat?

About 15 years ago I found out that my lawyer's son was taking the Hunters Safety Course and was in need of a deer rifle. I had a new-in-the-box Winchester 94XTR, 30-30 and traded it for Wills and Power-of-Attorney for my wife and I. Creative bartering I thought.

I must admit that my wife knows nothing of our finances and I should really write the information down for her.

Funeral arrangements are easy, .... dust! Spark-up the oven and throw me back in the bush where I can help something grow. Aside from my children, organ donation and contributing to society, it is a sure way to, live on forever.

My 2 cents, YMMV.

Mike

Timely question. It's nearing midnight and I'm about to take my dog out for a walk in Washington, D.C.

She's been fed and had an extra treat so if I perish tonight someone might notice before she gets real hungry.

My sister gets everything and promises to care for the pup.

She's supposed to have my remains sprinkled on Mt. Hood. What's a little more ash on a volcano?

And I've always been signed up to be an organ donor so all would not be for naught.

Am I prepared? Somewhat.

Am I ready? Certainly not.


;-)

my wife and i were/are hospital workers who have together over 40 years of patient-family dealings and know what happens to the unprepared.we even have it worked out who cares for the canoe dogs if we go out together.

Speaking materialistically, I try to keep everything in order for the loved ones that will survive me. I've also said that I fear not death but I do fear surviving and ending up totally dependent on others. I guess there's really no way to know how we will face death until our time comes.

I have a will that provides for my family.

My baseball cards should go to my brother ("John"), that's not spelled out in the will but it should be here. They are worth about $45,000, before this recession. He should get that because I used to steal from his stash of weed growing up.

I am not ready to die. But if I die tomorrow, I'll remember the three times I knowingly cheated death, and how I keeped living beyond deadline. And the four women I loved in life. I hope to live long enough to cheat death at least once more.

I live the lines in movies - I hope that I am grateful for my victories, and humbled by my defeats. And there is so much beauty...

I'll keep my word and carry certain secrets to my grave. They don't matter much anyway.

I think I will suffer strokes before I die, if I have a natural death. That is my family's pattern. I don't want to die like my Dad will someday. He is alone, albeit surrounded by family, without any options of his own. I hope when that time comes for me I have family who understand this, and help me end it better than Dad and his Dad. I don't know if I can go all alone.

My Mom jokes about investing in an ice floe, but without humor that's how I prefer to go, facing the polar bear rather than a bed in assisted living. If I need assistance, its not living, to me. Dammit, the Inuits have most things right about life, and death. Apologies to SAR who finds my grisly carcass, but you're in my will too so I hope it doesn't traumatize anyone carrying me out.

I say this as a 47 year old, knowing alot more than I did at 25. Take it as my testament.

Simple answer.

NO

Actually, it is "Equipped To Survive." :-)

As for being equipped to die, it's little different than being equipped to survive. Being organized and attending to potential issues surrounding death is just another part of the preparations for living. We have wills, life insurance and plans spelled out.

My only "fears" concerning death are:

1) Dying "stupidly", like from a stupid accident, freak accidents are usually OK, like an act of God.
2) Being dependent on others while going through the final long stretch (as in being invalided)

My "hope" for dying:

1) I'll be 99 years old and get shot in the back while outrunning a jealous husband!!!! (not likely)

Practical:
Will, updated and reviewed with PR;
Plan, or at least make your wishes known, for your funeral;
Advance Medical Directive, a.k.a. "Living Will;"
Designation of Health Care Surrogate, with full discussion;
Keep spouse/family involved and informed as to finances, etc.;
Keep personal records, important papers, instruction manuals, maintenance records, etc. organized and accessible;
Keep spouse/family informed of all those little things you routinely handle yourself, and make sure they know how to do them themselves, like changing furnace filters or rotating tires.

Personal:
Don't leave unsaid those things you want to or should say;
Apologize for and try to amend your errors as soon as possible;
Forgive others, and don't carry grudges;
Treat your spouse, family and friends as if today will be their last memory of you;
Focus more on life's experiences and less on life's material concerns;
Regret for things left undone and remorse for things done are burdens you don't have to inflict on yourself. So get off your duff and do the things you've always wanted or meant to do, but take care and think ahead, too;
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why we call it the 'present.'"

Err, oops, sorry bout that Doug, I was tired.

I think Jeff's list gets most of it. I liked Blast's mention of computer passwords too.

We're moderately prepared but am putting off buying the burial plots. The kids are grown, insurance is paid up, house is paid off, wills are done. So if we go down together the kids are set and lawyers won't steal too much.

My problem is not with death but with dying. Of the 18 members of our parents' generation 16 have passed in last 15 years. Many of them within the walls of hospitals or nursing homes. We're dealing now with my mother's failing years.

I've told my wife and kids is that I'd rather go sit on an ice floe in the Bering Sea than into a home.

Only problem with that plan is the ice floes might all be melted by the time I get to that old...

"I'll be 99 years old and get shot in the back while outrunning a jealous husband!!!!"

The problem lies with NOT outrunning him... or the bullet.

One problem that I am hearing about more with elderly people who need assistance is the care issue.

The primary caregiver (mobile spouse or other family member) often can't handle the feeble one without at least part-time help. The choice is between a $6,000/mo 'retirement' home, or live-in help.

First, they try the live-in or daily help. They pay minimum wage or $10/hr, and suddenly the primary caregiver thinks the hiree should do all the tiny little things that they themselves would (should) normally do for the feeble one (nitpicking), AND they want the hiree to do all THEIR housework and errands for them, too. None of the slaves wants to do all that, so they go through a lot of them, at least a couple a week. So, the spouse/family member says in-home care doesn't work.

Then they put them in the expensive home because they think they're getting better care, and are shocked that the care is no better than a State home, with bedsores, erratic medications, and left to pee and poop in the bed.

If people would use the few brain cells they've got, they would realize that they are hiring PEOPLE, not slaves. CHEAP is not the criteria.

They need to be realistic in what they want, so write it down. If the feeble person is tall, heavy and/or needs personal care, those are the main issues that need to be addressed. There is no point in hiring a 5' Filipino woman to manhandle a 6'4" man.

But if the feeble person just needs regular medication and someone to be around to help them out, fix a few meals and make sure they don't fall (or to call for help if they do), a little person would be fine (advertise for a 'companion').

If the feeble person needs fairly constant 24-hr care, the primary caregiver needs a full-time assistant to the tune of 84 hrs a week (total, probably two people sharing the job). If the hired people are paid $15/hr, you will get better people and keep them longer. If you are using a service like Catholic Community Services Home Care, and they pay $10/hr, give the good workers an extra $5/hr cash under the table.

And everyone needs to keep in mind that the hired care person is there for the feeble person, not for the relatives! You would think this would be obvious, but it's apparently not.

And if you have a family member who does have a home care attendent, YOU can still offer your services. You can cut toenails, give manicures and pedicures, do their hair or take them out to someone who does, take them out for lunch or dinner, pay for extra channels on TV, arrange for their access to the Talking Books program for the blind (or near-blind) [http://www.loc.gov/nls/], groom their pets or take them to be groomed, keep up the lawn and yard, etc.

Just because a person needs hired assistance doesn't mean they don't need attention from their family.

This thread is really hitting home right now. It may not be when you are old and decrepit, it might not even be when you are in your prime, it just might be before you really get started.

My nephew passed away last week from leukemia. He was diagnosed only 1 month prior to this. He was 14 and barely begun his life. Why him? I don't know. Why at that age? I couldn't tell you. Is it fair? I will let others debate that but one consoling thought from the Pastor who said that all life is a gift. We don't have a RIGHT to be born and occupy this world - it is a gift from the Almighty. Use it and cherish it while you can.

That said, I also had a classmate of mine pass away 2 months ago. He was 49. Another classmate was diagnosed with a brain tumour and is currently surviving after surgery last month. Another classmate has stomach cancer has done his first stage chemo and is in remission. My class had a grand total of 23 graduates! Am I next? Or will I live to be 90?

Although I am not a pessimist, I am a realist and it is prudent to financially plan for the future and for the benefit of loved ones. To just "hope for the best" is a failure to plan.

P.S. We also finalized the head stone for my mother who got passed away 3 years ago after a long illness.

People, you can be prepared financially and to some extent emotionally when the person you are dealing with is older or has been chronically sick. But nothing in this world will prepare you to bury your children and grandchildren.

Will, check.
Power of attorny stuff and living will, check.
Paperwork in order, as checked as it gets with me.
Life insurance, check.
List of which paper files are to be burned rather than examined, check.
List of which directories must be wipped clean on which computers, check.
Lists of passwords and accounts, check.
Letters of farewell, check.

Those last two include a notification to be posted here, actually. If I'm not going to be back as me, and not for a decade, well, you guys should know.

Oh, and a bottle of old scotch for the toast, check.

Interesting Marty,

My experience being similar to yours, though perhaps not quite as extensive, leads me to an opposite conclusion. There must be more to our existence than this simple life. If not, then there really isn't much point in most of what we do. However, I don't worry too much about what happens when I am gone either. From my perspective, the purpose of which I am just a tiny fragment started a long time ago, and will continue on for a long time to come; something like eternity if I read the manual right.

As for preparing loved ones, I figure that the wife was doing just fine on her own when we met, and is quite capable of going on without me; having recently proven so by spending time apart and taking care of her own needs without my input. The kids are grown and have pretty much learned what they need to get by. Anything more they get from me is just gravy now, so beyond that, I really think I've done all I need to. I have enough life insurance to make sure whatever bills might come up after my death will be taken care of, and they can all have a terrific party in Tahiti on what would be left over if they want, or whatever. Everything else is pretty much trivial, and taken care of by the will I wrote up. I am sure they will miss me, but they'll get over it.

One of my favorite quotes, which the girls have heard me cite more than once, "Everybody gotta die sometime, Red." 10 points to whoever can identify the quote reference.

Know the quote but never watched the movie.

Apocalypse Now

Hi Jeff,

I want to add a big +1 to your list, especially the personal list of things. I have a friend that I grew up with who lost his Mother a few months ago. Due to some family conflicts with his siblings, he did not go to the viewing or the funeral. I can't help but think that there will be all kinds of regrets in the future for him.

LW

You've got the right gendre.

Oh, man,the stories I could tell! I have seen stupidity take a lethal turn in more permutations than I can remember. Darwinism is, truly, a force not to be trifled with.

Who all missed out on the part about not combining drugs and alcohol with each other, not to mention any sort of motorized vehicle, firearm, or power tool? Plenty of folks, apparently. Moreover, all those warnings and disclaimers on various TV shows and advertisements about "trained professionals," "closed courses" and not trying it "yourself at home" are neither redundant nor unnecessary, believe me.

Also, the variety of methods that people utilize to enhance their "alone time" must be both quite impressive and quite effective, if the lethal strain on their cardiovascular systems is any guide. Let's just say that the late David Carradine was a rank and unimaginative amateur in that department and it's probably not how you want your loved ones to find your mortal remains.

(I cheated.)

Sgt. O'Neill: Bob, I got a bad feeling on this one, all right? I mean I got a bad feeling! I don't think I'm gonna make it outta here! D'ya understand what I'm sayin' to you?
Sgt. Barnes: Everybody gotta die some time, Red.

Platoon

Bingo! You win the 10 points. But since you cheated, they aren't worth anything.

He's not cheating.
He's being......
Resourceful.


Besides, if you ain't cheating.
You ain't trying.

Good questions you asking mister. Death is not something we think about...

I deal with death everyday. I walk into people houses and make decisions if we should try to resucitate or not and when to terminate our efforts. I see old and young, rich and poor, traumatic and medical reasons for death. Now that gives me pleanty of time to witness the family reaction. Sometimes it is as cold as ice, sometimes they are rejoycing in the next room becasue they know they got something coming, sometimes I have to set up baricades made out of POs because I know they will storm the body, sometimes they cry, sometimes they tell me such a bizzare thing I wonder if they are human, you can never tell...

Being young and healty doesn't mean anything. Having some kind of will always helps. Organization of personal records is also a must. Keep everything updated. ONce a year or after major change make corrections to your file. You have no idea how many times family brings us papers 10 years old and expects us to honor them. Funeral preparation for younger crowd maybe over the top. I believe in certain things and shopping around for a coffin is like inviting death to your house. But most important are burial money. That's always a serious financial hit on the family. You don't have to call it burial money but have something set for the dark hour. Words such as "I may not be here forever" are good words to remind people that stuff happens. You may go sight seeing in NYC and next thing you know you are on the bottom of Hudson river. Enjoy every moment you have with your loved ones and if you have something to tell them go ahead. Tomorrow may be too late.

But here's the thing for people with chronic conditions or serious medical problems: DNR (do not resucitate)/advance directives... Cardiac arrest resusitation is never pretty. It is basicly a violation of the body with invasive procedures, electricity and medications hoping that standard panel of drugs and effort is going to hit the problem that caused the arrest. Chances of you recovering from one are less than slim and chances of you walking out are close to none. Do you want to be that guy on a respirator, in the coma being kept alive like a vegetable? Prepare your family for that and discuss the advanced directives with them. Express your wishes.

Being around death so much changed me a bit and made me a more realistic person. I know limitations of human body as well as the course of a disease. I know what a car will do to you when it hits you on a crosswalk at 60 miles per hour. I do belive in miracles but they are few and far between. WHne you are gone what's left is your family and your accomplishments (debt/success). The first one will survive. The second one depends on you.

Part of preparedness is including this contingency.

My job is to make sure that my wife and child are safe and taken care of.

I would be lax in my job if I didn't have mechanisms in place to make sure they will be physically ok once I die.

They can't survive/cope/thrive very well if I leave everything in disarray.

Same is true for me if/when something happens to my wife or child. My coping ability is going to be severely compromised. The smoother the legal/financial transition, the less stress to contend with and the better my chances of surviving.

Plus, having your affairs in order is necessary for plain, old, non-fatal coping with disaster... finding birth certificates, house insurance, having to pick up and move quickly to take advantage of new job prospects or to avoid local deterioration (economic, social, armed idiots hell-bent on un-pleasantries). Having to pick up and fly to Mexico to bail the youngun out of a Tijuana jail, etc... You know, mundane type of stuff...

My blueprint for this is my in-laws. They packed up and lived in their motor home for a couple of years. Traveling where they wanted, when they wanted. They had to slim down the operating functions of the household so that it could be mobile and easily accessed. The logistics of running a household/finances on the move has to be organized and efficient.

My experiences with death have paralleled Benjammin's. But my favorite quote is from Emily Dickinson.

Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

Kinda sums it up.

A story with a moral that applies:

I volunteer with my town's ambulance service. Last night I was toned out for a "man not breathing." When we arrived, we determined that the patient was a 90-year old man in cardiac arrest and that he had been down for probably 6-8 minutes.

We began our invasive and, quite frankly, violent CPR and ACLS protocols, only to have the patient's daughter tell us "No, he doesn't want all that." We asked her if he had an advanced directive or DNR, and she said yes. We asked to see the DNR, and it could not be found, despite assurances from the daughter and the home health aid that he had one.

Our protocols and state law are clear: in the absence of a valid written DNR in hand, you go to work, which is what we did.

Moral of the story: Even if you do all of the advanced planning in the world, if the documents are not readily available, they are useless. NY State recommends taping them to the refrigerator door in the kitchen.

The patient was pronounced dead shortly after we arrived at the hospital, despite our best efforts to revive him. If he really did have a DNR, I feel bad about what we put him through, but in a litigious society these rules are absolute. I'd also much rather take the risk of resuscitating someone who doesn't want it, than not working someone who wanted it. Please don't judge me on the decision.

Thank you very much for this post, it's good information to know!

-Blast

Way things are these days, I think I should get a "PDR" (Please-Do-Resuscitate)

I can't see how CPR or defib will hurt me if I'm already dead. I imagine it's not pretty to watch, but my funeral will be a real tear-jerker too.

I already told my wife "Honey, if I am ever thought to be brain-dead, only being kept alive by machines, I don't want you to have to make the hard decision to pull the plug. So I'm telling you now: don't pull the plug."

I think the problem with CPR is that it's possible the patient remains aware enough of what's happening to them that it is pure torture. With the odds against being successfully rescuitated, that means your last few moments on earth are going to be likely the most unpleasant you will know. I have no fear of death, but I am not looking forwawrd to dying for this very reason. I would much rather someone just threw a switch and the lights just went out, or something like that, to laying naked strapped into a cold undersized gurney with someone plunging needles into my chest while another one is getting ready to electrocute me, while I am struggling to breathe, can hardly move, and my insides are on fire.

I had a friend who died of a stroke. It took him two weeks, and it was awful. His blood pressure went ballistic, and he would go from groaning loudly to convulsions and constant screaming. The only other time I saw someone suffering like that was when a burn victim was getting their wounds ablated.

For all our knowledge, much of modern medicine is still akin to medieval torture.

How many real-life survival stories have we read where the survivor was in a state of pure torture with all the odds against them? I don't know of any of those people that later said "I wish didn't make it, I wish I hadn't hung on."

Yes, I think in the vast majority of cases, life is worth suffering through the process of rescucitation. What sucks is to have gone through it and died anyways, remaining aware to the end.

If mankind manages to stick around long enough, I expect that someday we will come up with ways of minimizing the suffering associated with dying so that dignity and comfort can be preserved.

Heroin. Reputedly, it has far fewer adverse side effects than Morphine, especially for longer-term, higher-dose use, as many terminally ill patients require. Too bad it's only available to junkies. High-dose Morphine is no picnic, and pain, generally, is actually one of the most under-treated syndromes in medicine.

The medicalization of death can be tragic. Some hospice programs help, but others suck. I would rather die at home, or by my own hand if need be, than in a hospital.

Indeed!