The only thing the Sheriff can do is run a (public records) background check on me, which I can do as well for $10 or so. That won't turn anything up because if something bounced in my record I would already be hearing about it from others.

Nope, this has got to be an internal CBI problem. There's just no other viable explanation.
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The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)