It had been building for all of 2008, I was President of the company, I had been a Lieutenant, and I, like all the other officers, had issues with the Chief's lack of ability to delegate and collaborate on the scene. I stepped out of the Lieutenant post mid '08. Stayed on as President of the company, with intentions to drop back to Treasurer in '09, assuming also that Chief would not be re-elected.

Unfortunately, nobody wanted Chief and for a month, we didn't have a candidate. With great reluctance, the membership voted him in for a 4th one-year term this month.

Tonight, a long-simmering dispute over how to finance the replacement of an engine boiled over, the culmination of three years of frustrating arguments and situations on the fireground. I decided that I wasn't able to do a 4th year with this Chief on the scene or at the firehouse. With a hearty stream of expletives and a dramatic tossing of a pile of paper, out the door I went.

When I came home, I turned off my pager. Unless you've been a volunteer firefighter, you have no idea how hard that is. Here I am one of a few rescue medics and extrication specialists in an area where the majority of calls are for car wrecks and tonight, if someone calls 911, I'm not coming. I'll still get the text message dispatch and if the wind is right, I'll hear the siren.

My wife says she "can't imagine" me not running emergency calls, and to be honest, I can't either. But respect and dignity count for something, and I can only hope that I'll be able to connect with another company (I'm equidistant between three companies) and get back to it.

I feel exactly like I have after a breakup of a long-term romance, possibly worse.

I'm sure that this was one of the toughest things that you've ever done. Good luck on getting on one of the other departments!

That's tough, Martin. Being a volunteer for so long, in any outfit, requires such dedication and love that I can;t imagine you'll stay gone for long. I mean, it sure seems you'll get "talked back into" service before too long....

don't beat youself up..in a world full of "let George do it" sort of people to be involved day and nite in an unpayed job that has to have had moments of hell is something not many people can have claimed to have done..also--with all the money this country tosses down the drain i think every company should be equipped by the goverment,just like the military.

It was a romance, of sorts. As the old saw goes, you gotta love it to do it. So there will be a grieving process, too.

They say in the old days that even the retired fire horses wanted to run when they heard the fire bell ring.

I predict that you will be running calls again within days. It's not just something we do, it's a big part of who we are.

Jeff

Martin,

My heart absolutely aches for you. Please consider this forum full of shoulders to lean on.

Ken

Tough break. I know the feeling. When I left the sheriff's department the only advantage I had was that I was moving. Since the pager was my personal pager, I would still see the requests for reserves when it was a one paid deputy night.

I wish you luck in finding a new home (company).

Martin:

I know how you feel. I left the fire service for many reasons...and none for the reasons that you had to experience and left because of.

It was the most difficult decision I ever made and haunted me every time the trucks rolled from the hall ( we lived 1/2 block away).

Over years, I have had my share of romances and got over all them. However almost 12 years later, I still have never really gotten over leaving the fire service and even though I am hundreds of miles away, I think about it still every day when the trucks roll from a different fire dept which is only 2 blocks away from our present home.

In our living room, I have a photo of a fireman holding a 3-4 year old little girl who was saved from a fire. I wrote a caption for it (partly from a Dan Rather quote) that says:

We are older now, and irrevocably changed, however we can look back with no second thoughts and a measure of quiet pride and say "We cared, we tried, and we gave it everything we had...because we knew it mattered."

I look at and read this every day and that Martin, is all that matters.

PM me if you would like a copy.

Sorry to hear about that. Hopefully - somehow - it'll all work out. People like you are hard to come by.
- Dave

I'm sorry you had to reach the point where that had to happen. It has been obvious to all here how much you cared.

Sue

Man that's tough when something you've nurtured becomes intolerable. As the saying goes: When one door closes, another opens. Good Luck.

Wow, this must be incredibly rough for you but it definatly sounds like you did the right thing. Peace be with you, friend.

-Blast

if someone calls 911, I'm not coming..... and if the wind is right, I'll hear the siren. [/quote]

I feel exactly like I have after a breakup of a long-term romance, possibly worse. [/quote]

I felt the same way when I bowed out after 5 years of EMS as an EMT due to burnout. But making the decision to bow out paved the way to great opportunities and a great life since. Good luck!

Been there done that. Its terrible that almost every department has this same type of thing. It affects good volunteers and pushes them away.

I walked away once and it took a year to turn that pager back on. The only reason was because I realized why we do it. To steal an over used line.. "so others may live" its why we are out when others are hiding, its why we run towards it instead of away from it. We don't do it for us. We do it for them.

Take a deep breath, relax for a few days and get things straight in your head. You'll know when your ready to go back.

- Earp

I'm in a different field. But I know the feeling. You love the job but its hurting you to stay. I left a company (business) for another that made me feel happy, wanted and appreciated for my talents and insights. Less pay but less aggravation and frustration.

I hope you find the same,
OneDzGuy

Indeed, this is the case. It's not just the company I was with, the entire volunteer service is bleeding out. It's dead, over, gone, done, but nobody can come up with a workable idea for the stations that have under 300 calls a year.

I know I can't stop doing emergency work...and I think that with the number of wrecks we get, the paid ambulance company might want to push from EMS with BLS and ALS and go to Rescue/Medic and handle extrication as well. It's a matter of who pays, and how much.

I'm sorry Martin, I wish there had been a better option for you. I watched my little brother leave the EMS and fire agencies that he started with, and those battles were worse on him than getting divorced.

Often the time comes when "you gotta do what's right for you"
I left the fire dept and EMS when the BS got so bad it stopped being fun.
You have your life back now, and time for the kids
Best wishes
Stu

Martin, SB Raider has it right. Spend the extra time with your family. I have been exactly where you are and it is not easy to leave. After a few months you can go back and just be one of the grunts. I much prefer just being a nozzlehead. Besides, you never really leavc the Brotherhood. I hope you find ultimately find peace with your decision.
Matthew

Martin,

I can't add more then what everyone else mentioned already. Enjoy the New Year coming by spending more time with the family. Sometimes that cure is better then anything out there! Just remember, you never know what the New Year will bring.

Kris

I am certain of two things, your efforts will be more appreciated elsewhere and the chief's days are numbered.

In the meanwhile, find satisfaction in knowing that you have some integrity and backbone enough to do what you know is right, even if it means walking away for now.

I don't know enough about how VFD's work, but usually when someone walks out on a position like this others are thinking the same thoughts. One door closes and another opens. No longer your problem. Smile and have a Happy New year.

Bummer, 'specially at this time of the year. The good thing is that trained, experienced fireguys are in demand everywhere. So I am sure that a new job is waiting for you out there...

+ a big one, there.

I'm sorry to hear that Martin. A friend of mine last year quit his local volunteer fire fighter's unit for similar reasons and differences of opinion. Maybe the Chief will move on, or you will - its hard to lose anyone who is willing and skilled to respond to fight fires and medical emergencies.

Speaking of which, if you're looking for closure or another opinion on quitting the volunteer fire fighting profession, I read a really interesting book by an ex-fire fighter from Newfoundland, who writes a very accessible and moving account of what its like to be on call and respond to fires and motor vehicle accidents, every day for 6-7 years. In his case, his reasons were self-preservation, a form of post-traumatic stress, no personality conflicts - but anyone who has been in the line of duty for a while might recognize his feelings and views on the work. I'm not sure how big the catalog of real-world accounts on fire fighting is, its also pretty good for folks who want one view of the life.

Russell Wangersky, Burning Down the House, ISBN-10: 0887623298. You might need to get it from amazon.ca, but its very cheap there - http://www.amazon.ca/Burning-Down-House-...126&sr=8-1.

Marduk is right when he mentioned a time when something you invested in and nurtured becomes intolerable. Unfortunately the Peter Principle is real and it can often create poison. Alas, in the end, it is usually beyond our control when the principle trumps dedication and accomplishment. You must eventually choose the path that leads you away from the ever maddening frustration. You chose well. Difficult...but well.

Take heart in the fact that for years you have coworkers, people you helped, and others in the community who appreciate very much the hard work and dedication. Don't let a lone idiot make you dance. Dance because you want to. We're all the better for it.

martinfocazio out of service - lack of respect for management.

I do some volunteering with emergency management and been at it for about 5 years now. I have been lucky to work with people that say thank you alot, and even go out of there way to show it ( dinners, little perks, etc ), and actually know what they are doing.

If I were you, I wouldn't go back to any volunteering for at least a month or two. Take time to do things you haven't had time to do, or you've put off.

Maybe this will be the thing that pushes the rest of the members of your department over the edge. Either to leave, or to force a change.

Not much you can do now, you seemed to have been paddling up river. Just don't think that you are a quitter. You just finally realized what you probably should have done 2 years ago. Sometimes you have to quit to get ahead.

Good luck! You'll be back, just some place better, wherever that may be.

P.S. If you still work in NYC (I think you did), consider using your expertise to lead eager volunteers. C.E.R.T. is active in NYC, and everyone knows that NYC needs more volunteers.

one definition of 'crazy' is performing the same behavior over and over again expecting a different outcome.

sounds to me like you stopped being crazy.

i too believe you should step back for a while and let the next door open for you - you'll know it when it does.

Yep. Still in NYC. I'm going to relax a bit, and if (ok when) I get back into it, it will be different. I got an email from the Township Board of Supervisors - they want me to be the director of the township Emergency Management Agency - and the EMA director from the next township over (another ex of my old station) - wants to work with me, so already changes are afoot.

I sense people talking about you behind your back Is that a door opening?

Happy New Year!!!

Sorry to hear that you were in a situation that made you quit something you loved doing. I hope that you find something to fill that space that will be as fulfilling.

Martin,
BTDT too...to a degree....Had to 'leave' my volly company when college ended. Real rough and I left on good terms. Can't figure how it would have been if I were in your situation.

Thank you for your service. I know you will do well. Remember too....For those (such as yourself) who are really "IN" this field...never really leave it. We always carry it with us.

Fair winds and following seas....

Tough decision Martin, but it sounds like it was necessary.

During the first half of my career I spent a huge amount of time "on the job" at work even though I was off-shift. I found that this "volenteer work" was not appreciated and over time I really reduced the amount I provided.

With my new found free-time about 3 years ago I became an instructor with the local youth group that my children are enrolled in. This activity has it's share of responsibility and commitment, but I am much happier than I was before.

I recall an often used quote that, "A change is as good as a rest"; sure was in my case.

Good Luck in finding your next passion.

Mike

Didn't take them long, now did it? Passion and dedication shines, man.

Looks like I don;t have to make a call and call in a couple of markers after all. ((( )))

Martin:

I too know your pain and frustration. I have (in the years I have been certified) walked away from one EMS place and was "forced" out in another.

Time will help you even if you elect not to accept the EMA job. If you do accept then we are all going to support you here on this forum.

A big thank you for the selfless volunteer work you are doing. I work very closely with volunteers in my paid career and I definitely enjoy their help and assistance. I wish some of them quite well as they were members of the SAR, EMS and Sheriff's Office teams that searched for the two missing children near West Magic Reservoir just before Christmas. I know it must be very difficult for them. This thank you also goes to the rest of the members here on this forum who also volunteer in whatever capacity you may do it in. Thank you.

Stargazer

Martin,

This is a great time to step and re-evaluate where and who you are. A little mid-course review, if you will. Breathe some fresh air and enjoy the small (we know it will be) break. Have a great time in your rediscovery of yourself.

Martin,

Understand the pain - BTDT.

My one question for you is - Why didn't you step up and ask to be elected the Chief?

Sounds like that was the next logical step in a progression of leadership roles?

Let's just hope that after he starts, he's still has time to visit the forum! He'll probably have so much work he won't have much time left!

Martin,

I can certainly sympathize with your situation. Many times I have contemplated leaving the department, usually over some type of politics. However, each time I remind myself I am doing this for my community and the self-satisfaction one gets from being involved in this type of service.

My suggestions, is to give a few days or weeks of rest and slowly start to respond (on your own terms) to calls. The break will allow you to refresh and mentally regroup. Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater, the Fire/Rescue/EMS Service is very much what makes you, you. I am convinced if you refocus on the reason you got involved in the first place, the politics of the situation will fall by the way side and you will once again look forward to responding.

Pete

Martin,

Oh man, that isn't easy. I was a volunteer up north for maybe a year and half. Even after that short time I had a hard time not wanting to run out the door for a call.

Sad to see that a bad person like that can ruin the experience for many.

Mike

Martin,

Been reading and enjoying your posts,thoughts & comments for several years now. You may well find in retrospect that you simply made and initiated a news years resolution about a day or so early.

Don't beat yourself up about it. I suspect that your subconcious has been working on this for a while even though your concious mind may have been working to overcome the idea of leaving your friends and community. Leaving has most likely reduced your overall stress level and possibly prevented other stress related conditions. Go with the flow, follow your gut and things will work out for the best.

And Thank You for all that you've done for your community and ETS.

Regards,
Comanche7

Martin,

I too left the Fire Dept. under less then perfect conditions. I was a Lt. and a female firefighter approached me saying that she and another female had been placed in "uncomfortable sexual situations" with another firefighter. I spoke with this male and he said they (the females) were making a big deal out of nothing. I did not have the authority to do much else so I took it to the Chief. He said "M. is just that way... I dont want to loose him because two chicks are to delicate for the job." I turned in my gear, my badge and my pager that evening. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Principle and standards are something that you have to stand by otherwise it gets lowered and then everything gets lowered. I respect what you did and trust me, there is a special place in Heaven for firefighters - past, present and future.

BTW - The two females filed a sexual harassment / hostile work environment suit on the dept. I gave a deposition and was cleared of any liable or negligence. I cant go back as I left on very bad terms, I miss it, but again I can look myself in the mirror and know that I did what I could and got out because it was not good. Hang tough brother.