You Sir, have lived a deprived life.
If you are ever in the Scranton area, drop by Grandma's most any Sunday afternoon and fill up on pierogies, kielbasa, pigs-in-the-blanket, cole slaw, etc. She usually has a literal buffet set out for whoever might drop by. Although my Grandfather once complained that she doesn't make her noodles for her beef soup from scratch any more because "she's getting old".
If that's too much of a trip, Mrs. T's brand are acceptable. Start with potato & cheese. Boil and serve w/ melted butter and fried onions and/of sour cream. Sauerkraut filling is for advanced users.