I tend to lurk here becuase I think this board is very interesting. I'm always trying to prepare myself for the regional conditions here and try to stock up on things I need. Well recently, I got hit with a life threatening problem which I was not prepared for but threatened my survival.

Last year, after 8 years of marriage, we had our first child. We waited for the right time and felt our marriage was stable enough (both financial and emotional) to bring a person into the world. Life was damn good. When she turn 5 months old, my husband completely abandoned the both of us. This was something that smacked my upside the head and hit me by surprise.

Now this isn't a real traditional survivalist situation but yet my home is threatened. I'm a single mom (something I never wanted..its a hard life being a single parent), and now I have to rely completely on my brain, wit and whatever other resources I have to keep the roof over our head and all of life's necessities. Kinda feel like someone stranded on an island...LOL! Living without a net but forcing myself to buckle down and just LIVE day by day until I stabilze.

I realize that the future is not guaranteed to any of us and we should really make the most of the PRESENT to prepare ourselves for life's surprises however tragic. Man, never knew how fragile life is.

Congratulations on the new daughter...I'm sorry about your husband leaving. I'm sure the last thing you need right now is "helpful" advice from a bunch of strangers who know nothing about your unique situation, so I'll just say hang in there and thank you for the good advice about making the most of the present.

Nah, not looking for advice. I was just feeling pensive and wanted to present another view of yet another situation that is threatening.

I am sure no words of encouragement and support will really offset the hurt and shock you are experiencing right now. I have to believe that despite this life-altering event, that you will arise to the situation and not only survive, but learn to thrive. For what little it is worth, you and your daughter are now in the thoughts of those here.

Pete

Melissa,

The fact that you posted to this forum tells me some things about you. First, you're a survivor - that's what this site is all about. Also, you're interested in preparing for the unknown as are the rest of us here. These are good things for someone in you situation.

Over nine years ago, I married a single mom with two kids. I've listened to many stories of the hardships and difficulties that life threw at her. Her life then wasn't easy, but she found ways to overcome the obstacles that confronted her. She became a much stronger person because of her struggles. She's a survivor, like you. That's part of what attracted me to her.

Stay positive and stay strong. I have a feeling that you and your daughter will be alright. You have each other, and that's a good start.

Steve

Marital-related events rank right up there with serious health-related issues on the threats-to-my-personal-survival scale. Being a chronologically-challenged guy, I've had time to experience them all in my younger days, and in my experience, things get a little easier with each passing day. And one day, you find yourself flourishing.


I sense you've got the determination to weather this, and I'm confident you will! I'm reminded of the lessons in an excellent book, Deep Survival, Doug reviewed here, where he says, "...it is about your number one survival tool, more important than any other, your mind."

All the best to you ... someday your daughter is going to be very proud of — and grateful for — her mother's determination.

Dan

I'd say I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties but in the end this may prove to be the best for you so rather I will merely wish you the best of luck.

In that respect I am going to offer you a little advice from the perspective of a boy-made-man who's mother was a single mother who divorced an abusive, psychotic husband and raised 3 underappreciative (at the time) kids. She worked 4 jobs some days just to be able to provide for us.

1) Believe it or not, your kids will respect you for your strength. They may even (as I did) tell you directly in 10-15 years.

2) Life will be very - very - VERY hard. Do not give up but at the same time you will need some 'you' time.

3) Your kids will be extremely difficult and frustrating. Sure, this is probably normal but they will be even worse. No, it's not intentional, and no there's not much you can do about it. Just try to remember murder is still illegal, ok?

4) Believe it or not, kids do get tired of cheesy mac and hotdogs. Go with other cheap foods from time to time such as grilled cheese, pancakes (for dinner yay!) or spaghetti.

Good luck and keep your head above water.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I cannot agree more with this statement above. I'm finding out more and more, that what you have in your head is the ultimate weapon against danger. Plus, your ability to stay calm is priceless. This is a hard lesson for me to learn but sometimes you've got to be thankful that some hardships are lessons in disguise.

My sister is now going through what you are experiencing, except her husband recently abandoned her after 16 years of marriage and two young children (aged 7 and 4); also $80k in debt, not including the mortgage on the house.

I wish you (and my sister) didn't have to go through something as awful as this, but I admire your strength and resolve.

Regards,

Justin

here and in other places you will find the acronym TEOTWAWKI (the end of the world as we know it) and there are several ways to interpet it, it can mean different things to different people, and for you TEOTWAWKI is exactly what happened. I'm sorry it happened, and I'm sorry it seems it happens so often in todays society. From my own experiance I know when the world ends you build your own new one or die with the old one. You sound like your determined to build a new one. All any one can do here is offfer hopes and prayer's and you have mine

Melissa,

Welcome to the forum. I too lurked here for some time before an intro. You will find many new friends and advise here as I have. As others here have mentioned this is a hard lesson in life, yet you have already shown the character it takes to survive. Remember as one door closes another will yet open. Take the oppourtunity and move forward in your lives together.

Best of luck,

kmat

You're right, this is another real life survival situation. In between jobs, I have fallen back on my emergency stores a couple of times.

This is a difficult situation to prepare for as well. You and your daughter will be in my prayers for a VERY long time!

Never give up!!!

Your situation is regrettable, and yet through your experience, others can take a lesson from life.

When you are making a decision that will have a profound impact on your lifestyle and your freedoms, you had better be able to make a solid, realistic decision. Sometimes no matter what you do, the outcome is still going to be unsure, so you must prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. In matters of love, you must balance desire with reason and make sure that the investment you are making is not frivilous. It seems easy for me to say this now, but I tell ya, I grew up with this sort of thing over and over, and I married a woman who thought she knew too long before I came along, and ended up getting burned just the same. Now I've got someone else's daughter who calls me daddy, and has been for the last 19 years, and is doing great things.

Melissa, life goes on, you do what you have to for you and your kid, and so long as you don't give up and keep at it things will work. All it takes is time and determination. In the meantime, keep the faith.

I am sorry for your predicament. I really hate guys like your ex who give men a bad name.

Don't think all men behave in this way.

I don't understand these guys who just abandon their wifes during the greatest time of need. they just left their wifes out of the blue. I am so angry at this kind of behavior.

Welcome Newgal!

My wife was once a single parent of three, holding down a full time job, taking 18 units in college, and doing her Navy Reserve time, so she feels your pain. I think of her as a poster child of what can be done. Seems that most women just suck it up and get on with things, many guys just go to the bar and weep in their beer...

I would also like to extend my wishes of luck to you, Melissa. I hope you keep the strength that you have graciously expressed in your post, not just for you, but for your daughter as well. I can understand how frustrating it must be when you think you have done good job of preparing by making sure you’re financially and emotionally prepared to raise a child, then have someone else throw a wrench in the works.

Melissa,

I'm so sorry for your loss and especially for your daughter loosing a father. There is a special place in the afterlife for parents who abandon their children (not to be confused with those parents who bless their children with the opportunites offered by adoption).

You need to find a support structure. Do you have family in the area that can help?

I would most certainly advize you to find a local place of faith and worship (a church or similar) and make yourself known to their leaders and community. Even if you're not terribly religious, you'll find people can be amazingly willing to help out those in need. Don't wait. Your daughter needs the help. Do it now. You need help - physically, financially, mentally, and emotionally.

Unfortunately, I know entirely too many women in the same (or worse) situations. Why men freak out and leave after kids come is a subject too vast for this forum, however, in terms of economics, it's a fast path to bankruptcy for the women who are left behind.

At this point, hanging on to the house is a Bad Idea. While the legal principles and responsibilities related to "abandonment" in a divorce are pretty clear, the reality is that it can take years for it all to settle out. Get out now, you can't afford it. If you can set a target to live with another family or friend for 4 months (and by all means, set a departure date!) now it the time to do it. Sell everything you can - cash is king now, you know that, but it's ever-more difficult to maintain the cash-flow.

I've posted here that fiscal preparedness is the key to survival in our modern culture, and that's a fact.

Now here's something you may not realize - but there are plenty of places that would let you bring baby to work with you. No kidding, just ask. There's a health food store near us and for the last 10 years, there's been someone with a baby in a playpen behind the counter. This is a good time to be looking for part-time work, and total honesty at the job application process is a good idea. People will help you.

Martin is right, sell everything you can, while you can. Esp his stuff ;-). And its always better to sell the house, even if you just break even, than to just walk away from it.

And call your $80k worth of creditors if you can. Talk to them, tell them what has happened. Sometimes they can do a little something to help.

If you're going for a divorce, get the best lawyer you can afford. Often, the initial visit is free.

Best of wishes for your future. You'll do fine, as you sound like a survivor.

Sue

Once again, thanks to all for your wonderful words of support and encouragement.

Martin: Thankfully I am not in debt but I think your advice is sound. One thing I learned about surviving through any crisis is the the "lighter" you are the more flexible you are. I plan to sell any and all needless junk to bring in some extra cash and looking for a part-time job is something I am looking into (I already work full-time). My heart goes out to the person who posted about his sister being $80K in debt. That is not a good position to be in. Hopefully she will get a lawyer to sue him for his share of the debt.