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#295498 - 03/29/20 11:32 PM Plague humor - Chad
brandtb Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 11/26/04
Posts: 369
Loc: S.E. Pennsylvania
We need to start a temporary Covid humor section here. Just to get us over the rough spots.

I'll start -

Plague Diary 200329

<<RING>>

Caller ID: 1-800 Service

Me: Hello!

(Short Pause)

Caller: (In a distinct Indian accent) Hello. This is Chad. Are you calling to get the 30% discount on your electric bill?

Me: Electric bill? Your name’s Chad?

Caller: Yes, Chad.

Me: You’re sure it’s not something like Patish. Patish Patel? ‘Cause, that’s what it sounds like to me . . . Chad.

Caller: You calling to get the 30% discount on your electric bill, yes?

Me: Where are you calling from . . . Chad?

Caller: From New York. Do you want a 30% discount on your electric bill, yes?

Me: How come you’re not quarantined . . . Chad?

Caller: I see you have paid your electric bill on time for the last year, yes?

Me: Yeah, I did, but I’ve been cooped up here in the house for the last two weeks. I need to talk to somebody. Anybody. Other than my wife. We’ve been getting on each other’s nerves, being within ten feet of each other for so long. I saw her testing the edge of my Ritter RSK the other day and looking at me funny. What’s new with you?

Caller: Sir, do you wish to save 30% on your electric bill?

Me: Hey, we don’t have to talk about that. So . . . you think we should get out of NATO?

Caller: Sir, if you will get a copy of your latest bill we can save you 30% on your bill.

Me: What are you wearing . . . Chad?

Caller: Wearing?

Me: I’m sitting here in my underwear. I haven’t shaved or taken a shower in a week.

Caller: Sir, we are trying to save you money on your electric bill.

Me: Yeah, just out of the kindness of your hearts you’re going to call me up and reduce the electric company’s revenue, right . . . Chad?

Caller: If you could just get a copy of your bill, Sir.

Me: You know . . . Chad . . . I’m retired. I like to talk to people on the phone. I can do it all day. Even before I self-quarantined. And now . . . well Jesus, I’m going stark raving dollally tap here. You can only watch so much Amazon Prime, you know.

So what else do you want to talk about? Movies? Politics? Women?

(Pause)

Hello, Chad. You still there?

Chad?

Hello, Operator! I’ve been cut off!


Edited by brandtb (03/29/20 11:44 PM)
_________________________
Brian Brandt

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#295499 - 03/30/20 12:06 AM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: brandtb]
Doug_Ritter Offline

Pooh-Bah

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 2038
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Editor
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#295500 - 03/30/20 12:08 AM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: brandtb]
Doug_Ritter Offline

Pooh-Bah

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 2038
Told my wife it was very nice to be quarantined with someone I really liked. Her response was “must be nice."
_________________________
Doug Ritter
Editor
Equipped To Survive®
Chairman & Executive Director
Equipped To Survive Foundation
www.KnifeRights.org
www.DougRitter.com

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#295501 - 03/30/20 12:53 AM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: Doug_Ritter]
dougwalkabout Offline
Crazy Canuck
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 2856
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Originally Posted By: Doug_Ritter
Told my wife it was very nice to be quarantined with someone I really liked. Her response was “must be nice."

"I don't get no respect, I tell ya!" (ba-da-boom)
laugh laugh laugh

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#295502 - 03/30/20 02:17 AM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: Doug_Ritter]
Phaedrus Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 04/28/10
Posts: 2629
Loc: Big Sky Country
Originally Posted By: Doug_Ritter
Told my wife it was very nice to be quarantined with someone I really liked. Her response was “must be nice."


Straight up savage! grin
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“I'd rather have questions that cannot be answered than answers that can't be questioned.” —Richard Feynman

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#295506 - 03/30/20 10:13 PM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: Doug_Ritter]
brandtb Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 11/26/04
Posts: 369
Loc: S.E. Pennsylvania
Originally Posted By: Doug_Ritter
Told my wife it was very nice to be quarantined with someone I really liked. Her response was “must be nice."


We all have our fantasies.
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Brian Brandt

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#295511 - 03/31/20 12:12 AM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: brandtb]
brandtb Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 11/26/04
Posts: 369
Loc: S.E. Pennsylvania
Day 9 of the quarantine -

My wife called from the living room and asked if I was getting a stabbing pain in my chest as if someone had a voodoo doll of me and was stabbing it.

I said 'No.'

She responded, 'How about now?'


Edited by brandtb (03/31/20 12:13 AM)
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Brian Brandt

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#295522 - 03/31/20 02:14 PM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: brandtb]
brandtb Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 11/26/04
Posts: 369
Loc: S.E. Pennsylvania
As a general rule, don’t put magnets in your nose.

If a real rocket scientist couldn't figure this out how bad do you think you'd mess up?

An Australian astrophysicist put himself in the hospital last week after he got four magnets stuck up his nose while trying to invent a device to stop people from touching their faces during this pandemic.

COVID-19 has been commonly spread by close personal contact, such as shaking hands followed by touching your face, or by touching an object or surface that contains the virus, and then touching your mouth, nose or eyes before washing your hands. So Dr. Daniel Reardon, a research fellow at a Melbourne university, told the Guardian that he came up with the bright idea to create something to stop face touching during “a bit of boredom in isolation.”


“I have some electronic equipment but really no experience or expertise in building circuits or things,” he admitted. But he had a piece of equipment that detects magnetic fields. And he reasoned that if he could create such a charged field around his head, and then wear magnets on his wrist, “it could set off an alarm if you brought [your hand] too close to your face.”


Instead, he accidentally created a necklace “that buzzes continuously unless you move your hand close to your face,” he said.

But Reardon, 27, wasn’t deterred. So he continued “playing with the magnets,” such as clipping them to his earlobes.

And then he tried the nostrils.


“ ‘Things went downhill pretty quickly when I clipped the magnets to my other nostril.’ ”


He explained that he put a magnet inside each of his nostrils, and then attached a magnet on the outside of each nostril — but once he removed the outer magnets, the two magnets inside his nose stuck together, and refused to come out.

So then he tried to use his remaining magnets to extract them, and ended up with all four in his nose.

“At this point I ran out of magnets,” he said.


And when he tried to use (metal) pliers to pull them out, the pliers also became magnetized. “Every time I brought the pliers close to my nose, my entire nose would shift towards the pliers and then the pliers would stick to the magnet,” he said. “It was a little bit painful at this point.”


So his partner took him to the hospital “because she wanted all her colleagues to laugh at me,” he continued. Two doctors were able to manually remove the magnets from his nose after treating him with pain-numbing anesthetic spray.


There was a minor complication during the procedure, however: After doctors got the three magnets out of his left nostril, the fourth one, in the other nostril, fell down his throat. Fortunately, he leaned forward and coughed it out before swallowing it.


“Needless to say, I am not going to play with the magnets anymore,” he said.

https://www.marketwatch.com/story/as...e#main-content
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#295531 - 03/31/20 10:29 PM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: brandtb]
adam2 Offline
Addict

Registered: 05/23/08
Posts: 448
Loc: Somerset UK
Two bits of plague humour from the UK.

Make certain that you carry your "toilet roll donor card" at all times, This explains whom you wish to receive your toilet rolls in the event of sudden death.
1) MY NEXT OF KIN
2)THE NHS
3) THE RED CROSS
4) OTHER (write details in space provided)

In other news, the UK border force have uncovered a major toilet roll smuggling operation at Dover. Dozens of toilet rolls were concealed in a shipment of cocaine.

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#295546 - 04/02/20 01:56 PM Re: Plague humor - Chad [Re: brandtb]
pforeman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 181
Loc: Iowa
Ran across this wonderful video for our times!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMBh-eo3tvE

Enjoy!

Paul -

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