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#258456 - 04/02/13 02:30 AM Random news items for ETSers
dougwalkabout Offline
Crazy Canuck
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 2738
Loc: Alberta, Canada
You've probably seen these already. Sorry, my browser crashed and I lost the URLs.

Child safety advocates applaud safety-conscious scouting measures:

In a recent press release, the National Child Safety Consortium praised the progressive safety approach increasingly being adopted by enlightened Scout Troops. "Safety is everything," said the Managing Director, "in a world where outdated thinking exposes children to danger."

The new approach, which involves using epoxy to secure all tools in the fully closed position, ensures children will never deploy the dangerous tools that have left deep scars on so many previous generations. Similarly, all butane lighters are carefully emptied of fluid and have flints removed to ensure no dangerous blazes will ensue.

In an interview, an urban scoutmaster, who declined to give his name, said, "We view the Scout knife as more of a symbolic item. In our wilderness hikes at the mall, we have never found a need to skin a mall rat or shave the bark of a potted ficus for kindling. In fact, based on previous experience, our mall guides tended to frown on these outdated activities, pointing us to the food court as a practical 21st century approach. Our intrepid scouters were ecstatic to discover that high calorie food and drink, with generous salt, saturated fat, and corn syrup content, could be so easily harvested on a hike. They promised to bring their friends along next time. This bodes well for the future of urban Scouting."


Innovative course teaches new intubation technique to college students:

Volunteer instructors at a local first-aid course have introduced a new way to save lives. "We found that, in a genuine choking emergency, first aiders rarely had the gear to intervene effectively." they explained. "So we taught them to improvise using emissions control tubing from a vehicle and transmission oil from the dipstick as esophageal lubricant."

Course modules included:
- The Importance of Clearing Dead Spiders from Rubber Tubes
- Blow, Don't Suck (Sucking is Grosser than Blowing)
- Things That Could Possibly Go Wrong

Volunteers for the study, saving up for a kegger that weekend, were not deeply concerned with the unusual technique. Said one willing participant, "The timing was perfect because we really needed extra cash to cover the deposit on the keg. Yeah, the oil and rubber was totally gross, but we plan to smoke a lot of really good stuff and throw up on the neighbor's flower bed at 3 a.m. So it should all work out okay. It's a good trick in case some dude starts choking on his own hork. I mean, seriously, who wants to get personal with that?"

grin

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#258457 - 04/02/13 03:13 AM Re: Random news items for ETSers [Re: dougwalkabout]
TeacherRO Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 2396
thanks!

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#258489 - 04/03/13 11:47 PM Re: Random news items for ETSers [Re: dougwalkabout]
Blast Offline
INTERCEPTOR
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 3561
Loc: Spring, Texas
Quote:
we have never found a need to skin a mall rat or shave the bark of a potted ficus for kindling.

Obviously they've never gone with Mrs. Blast on a "quick trip to buy shoes" at the mall.
-Blast, who'll probably be sleeping in the yard tonight. grin


Edited by Blast (04/03/13 11:48 PM)
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#258497 - 04/04/13 01:45 AM Re: Random news items for ETSers [Re: dougwalkabout]
dougwalkabout Offline
Crazy Canuck
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 2738
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Hope you all got a small chuckle out of my last-minute March 32 offerings. All meant in fun, of course.

Not nearly as effective, though, as the delightful deadpan spoof by Cliff the Spiff, who took us in for a couple of paragraphs before we realized we were being had. I think Cliff gets the 2013 ETS Master of Mischief trophy. Hint to those who have been had: don't ever post that you've been had! The tradition is to continue the joke with an equally deadpan delivery and draw in as many suckers as possible.

Cheers all,
-Doug

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#258509 - 04/04/13 08:19 AM Re: Random news items for ETSers [Re: dougwalkabout]
leemann Offline
Soylent Green
Addict

Registered: 02/08/04
Posts: 623
Loc: At the soylent green plant.
I think we were all Had myself included.

grin
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#258511 - 04/04/13 10:20 AM Re: Random news items for ETSers [Re: dougwalkabout]
bacpacjac Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 05/05/07
Posts: 3600
Loc: Ontario, Canada
LOL!
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Mom & Adventurer

You can find me on YouTube here:
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#258567 - 04/04/13 11:42 PM Re: Random news items for ETSers [Re: ]
Blast Offline
INTERCEPTOR
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 3561
Loc: Spring, Texas
Originally Posted By: IzzyJG99
Originally Posted By: Blast
Obviously they've never gone with Mrs. Blast on a "quick trip to buy shoes" at the mall.
-Blast, who'll probably be sleeping in the yard tonight. grin


Oh, you were already sleeping in the yard no doubt by blowing up another microwave.


You can't prove anything! You're in Florida in and my microwave is in Texas...and Louisiana...and the southern part of Oklahoma...and perhaps various places in the Gulf of Mexico. blush

Totally worth it, though. grin
-Blast
_________________________
Blogging the Borderlands
Wild Edibles Blog
I miss OBG.

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