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#240037 - 01/25/12 01:42 AM European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese
Byrd_Huntr Offline
Old Hand

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 1174
Loc: MN, Land O' Lakes & Rivers ...
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300
years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.
_________________________
The man got the powr but the byrd got the wyng

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#240049 - 01/25/12 05:55 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
Tjin Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 04/08/02
Posts: 1821
There are Europeans on this forum, including me. So such form post might be a bit questionable.

It does however confirms the European view of Americans. Australia is on the other side of the world...
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#240052 - 01/25/12 06:34 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Tjin]
Leigh_Ratcliffe Offline
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Registered: 03/31/06
Posts: 1355
Loc: United Kingdom.
I've always wondered what America would do if it decided to hold a war, sent the UK an invitation RSVP but received a reply to the effect that owing to a prior commitment we are unable to attend.
_________________________
I don't do dumb & helpless.

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#240053 - 01/25/12 07:56 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
MostlyHarmless Offline
Old Hand

Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 982
Loc: Norway
Originally Posted By: Byrd_Huntr
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese


John Cleese is one of my favourite comedians - but I must say you're a little late to the party. That piece came at least five years ago... whistle


Even more hillarious are his "axis of evil" John Cleese: Axis of evil sarcasm, which came in 2003 or something. I think the threat level thingy came about the same time.... (Warning: He makes jokes about statements from a former president. May be borderline political for some viewers).

About offending Europeans - I personally wouldn't worry much. A European comedian making fun of neighbour countries is pretty much normal. (Due to history, Australia and America are also considered neighbours by the Brits).

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#240054 - 01/25/12 08:29 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: MostlyHarmless]
Paul810 Offline
Veteran

Registered: 03/02/03
Posts: 1428
Loc: NJ, USA
Hearing the name John Cleese inevitably brings about re-runs of Monty Python through my head. grin

http://youtu.be/IqhlQfXUk7w

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#240056 - 01/25/12 09:03 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
bigreddog Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 07/02/06
Posts: 253
Seems about right from this side of the pond. I'm not sure our 'peeved' rating is much less useful than any other rating ;-)

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#240060 - 01/25/12 11:17 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
hikermor Offline
Geezer in Chief
Geezer

Registered: 08/26/06
Posts: 7705
Loc: southern Cal
Great humor. I would love to get Cleese's take on regional variations in the USA of the threat level - say California vs Texas...
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Geezer in Chief

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#240061 - 01/25/12 11:28 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
quick_joey_small Offline
Addict

Registered: 01/13/09
Posts: 571
Loc: UK
The perfect european:

http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.erothitan.com/press_info/images/the_perfect_european.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.erothitan.com/press_info/2002-10-28_the_perfect_european_en.html&h=600&w=870&sz=89&tbnid=RDHdWeoToYbT_M:&tbnh=84&tbnw=122&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dperfect%2Beuropean%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=perfect+european&docid=hh67nit2HV0KqM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=r-QfT6aAB4eCOvHHuK0O&ved=0CDYQ9QEwAQ&dur=658

any suggestions for 'as ... as an american'?
canadian?
japanese?
etc

qjs

Image fix


Edited by NightHiker (01/25/12 06:14 PM)
Edit Reason: image fix

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#240063 - 01/25/12 01:31 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Leigh_Ratcliffe]
Byrd_Huntr Offline
Old Hand

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 1174
Loc: MN, Land O' Lakes & Rivers ...
Originally Posted By: Leigh_Ratcliffe
I've always wondered what America would do if it decided to hold a war, sent the UK an invitation RSVP but received a reply to the effect that owing to a prior commitment we are unable to attend.


Why would you want to do that? We've been allies for most of the last 400 years. To quote a piece in Wikipedia:

"The United States is bound to Britain by shared history, a common language and legal system, culture, and kindred, ancestral lines in English Americans, Scottish Americans, and Welsh Americans, which can be traced back hundreds of years."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom%E2%80%93United_States_relations

A lot of the above is true of many other countries around the world.

IMO, what really needs to happen is the elimination of massive wars in favor of limited tactical special ops actions.
_________________________
The man got the powr but the byrd got the wyng

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#240064 - 01/25/12 01:43 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Tjin]
Byrd_Huntr Offline
Old Hand

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 1174
Loc: MN, Land O' Lakes & Rivers ...
Originally Posted By: Tjin
There are Europeans on this forum, including me. So such form post might be a bit questionable.

It does however confirms the European view of Americans. Australia is on the other side of the world...


Wow! Good thing I didn't post any Benny Hill jokes.... eek
_________________________
The man got the powr but the byrd got the wyng

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#240083 - 01/25/12 06:25 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
dougwalkabout Online   confused
Crazy Canuck
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 3219
Loc: Alberta, Canada
As a Canadian, I'm insulted that I haven't been insulted. frown

I'll even write 'em for you.

Insult comic: Canadians are so completely lacking in pizzaz. I mean, they can't even screw up their own banking sector. Really? Look around. How hard can it be?

Insult comic: One of the really weird things about Canada is that you can go up and down the streets without getting mugged, carjacked, or shot at. I know it's cold up there, but geez, people, show some initiative.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We're not sure, but a Royal Commission has been urgently studying the matter ... since 1947.

(Only Canadians will get the last one.)

grin

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#240084 - 01/25/12 06:27 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
wileycoyote Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: 03/01/11
Posts: 309
Loc: north central west TX
while funny, its unlikely that it was written by cleese.

seems to have been first posted in 2007 here:

http://tartfromhell.com/2007/03

and then a few month later by John Humberstone, found here:

http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html

a thread about this: http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=70255


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#240092 - 01/25/12 07:16 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
Leigh_Ratcliffe Offline
Veteran

Registered: 03/31/06
Posts: 1355
Loc: United Kingdom.
Because it is received wisdom this side of the pond that American cannot hold a war unless we British are present to advise on the etiquette in such matters.
_________________________
I don't do dumb & helpless.

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#240108 - 01/25/12 11:59 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Leigh_Ratcliffe]
Byrd_Huntr Offline
Old Hand

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 1174
Loc: MN, Land O' Lakes & Rivers ...
Originally Posted By: Leigh_Ratcliffe
Because it is received wisdom this side of the pond that American cannot hold a war unless we British are present to advise on the etiquette in such matters.


That works for me.....
_________________________
The man got the powr but the byrd got the wyng

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#240111 - 01/26/12 03:00 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
Jeanette_Isabelle Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 11/13/06
Posts: 2946
Loc: Nacogdoches, Texas
This is a symptom of the ignorance of world history the general population has. Before the devastating blow in WWI, my French ancestors were hell bent for leather.

Jeanette Isabelle
_________________________
I'm not sure whose twisted idea it was to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago, but I admire the sadism. -- Wednesday Adams, Wednesday

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#240123 - 01/26/12 05:25 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Jeanette_Isabelle]
Leigh_Ratcliffe Offline
Veteran

Registered: 03/31/06
Posts: 1355
Loc: United Kingdom.
Originally Posted By: JeanetteIsabelle
This is a symptom of the ignorance of world history the general population has. Before the devastating blow in WWI, my French ancestors were hell bent for leather.

Jeanette Isabelle


D'Accord ma cher.

American's are woefully ignorant of many things. Sadly.


As an Englishman I would describe the French as many things. Cowardly is not found amongst them.
_________________________
I don't do dumb & helpless.

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#240125 - 01/26/12 05:41 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Jeanette_Isabelle]
Leigh_Ratcliffe Offline
Veteran

Registered: 03/31/06
Posts: 1355
Loc: United Kingdom.
At the risk of straying into politics:

America's Francophobic attitude is beginning to wear. George Bush made the mistake of presuming to summon the French to battle like they were vassals.

The response to which, entirely rightly, was Non!

Before anyone brings up World War 2. America didn't liberate Europe for the fun of it. They did so because it was in their interests to do so. The Third Reich was a threat to the whole planet. Anyone who had bothered to read Mein Kampf should have had absolutely no doubts as to Hitler's intentions.

Domination of Europe and Asia in his lifetime. Conquest of the Americas in his childrens.
_________________________
I don't do dumb & helpless.

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#240131 - 01/26/12 06:15 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Leigh_Ratcliffe]
hikermor Offline
Geezer in Chief
Geezer

Registered: 08/26/06
Posts: 7705
Loc: southern Cal
We should be mindful that all European nations,along with many others, contributed significantly to the American milieu. We embody the best and worst of all those stereotypes, which, while humorous, are definitely inaccurate and limited.
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#240142 - 01/26/12 09:18 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Byrd_Huntr]
chaosmagnet Offline
Sheriff
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 12/03/09
Posts: 3819
Loc: USA
We continue to teeter on the edge of acceptable for this thread. Please refrain from commenting if you cannot do so without unpleasantness.



chaosmagnet

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#240145 - 01/26/12 10:28 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: hikermor]
LED Offline
Veteran

Registered: 09/01/05
Posts: 1474
Originally Posted By: hikermor
We should be mindful that all European nations,along with many others, contributed significantly to the American milieu. We embody the best and worst of all those stereotypes, which, while humorous, are definitely inaccurate and limited.


True. Truth is, real historical events rarely match the popular narrative. We embellish and fabricate the good and elminiate the bad, which gives most people a woefully inaccurate view of history. Same goes for the way we mythologize and misrepresent historical figures. The great thing about today however is the internet. So much history at your fingertips!

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#240155 - 01/27/12 12:16 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Leigh_Ratcliffe]
Jeanette_Isabelle Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 11/13/06
Posts: 2946
Loc: Nacogdoches, Texas
Originally Posted By: Leigh_Ratcliffe
D'Accord ma cher.

American's are woefully ignorant of many things. Sadly.

L'honneur français a été défendue par un chipmunk féroce.

Jeanette Isabelle
_________________________
I'm not sure whose twisted idea it was to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago, but I admire the sadism. -- Wednesday Adams, Wednesday

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#240215 - 01/28/12 10:53 PM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Jeanette_Isabelle]
Leigh_Ratcliffe Offline
Veteran

Registered: 03/31/06
Posts: 1355
Loc: United Kingdom.
Originally Posted By: JeanetteIsabelle
Originally Posted By: Leigh_Ratcliffe
D'Accord ma cher.

American's are woefully ignorant of many things. Sadly.

L'honneur français a été défendue par un chipmunk féroce.



Jeanette Isabel


La plupart de Madame d'une manière amusante. Peux je vous rappeler que nous " ; Chunks" ; ont eu l'honneur de faire face aux Français dans la bataille. Car tels nous n'ont aucun doute quant à leur qualité.
_________________________
I don't do dumb & helpless.

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#240219 - 01/29/12 01:23 AM Re: European views on terror threats.. by John Cleese [Re: Leigh_Ratcliffe]
Jeanette_Isabelle Offline
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 11/13/06
Posts: 2946
Loc: Nacogdoches, Texas
Originally Posted By: Leigh_Ratcliffe
La plupart de Madame d'une manière amusante.

Merci.

Originally Posted By: Leigh_Ratcliffe
Peux je vous rappeler que nous " ; Chunks" ; ont eu l'honneur de faire face aux Français dans la bataille. Car tels nous n'ont aucun doute quant à leur qualité.

Essayer de dire cela à l'Amérique.

Jeanette Isabelle
_________________________
I'm not sure whose twisted idea it was to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago, but I admire the sadism. -- Wednesday Adams, Wednesday

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