Wacky Scenario

Okay, here it is. You're sitting at home on Saturday afternoon reading the ETS forum enjoying your beverage of choice. You feel pretty good because you finally finished packing that "almost perfect" BOB, restocked all your food and water supplies, and finished stocking and prepping all other necessary provisions. The cars/trucks are all gassed up and ready to go. As you're preparing to respond to a long term preparedness thread about food supplies you hear, POP, POP, POP! followed by a few loud screams. What the hell!? You carefully peek out the window and see some guy with a handgun putting round after round into a slowly moving group of about 10 people shuffling down the street moaning. You think, "thats funny, those people look mighty dirty and ragged and all they do when they get hit is recoil slightly and keep on shuffling forward." Then you see the guy doing the shooting run out of ammo, turn around and start to run in the opposite direction while yelling, ZOMBIES!! THE DEAD HAVE COME BACK TO LIFE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! (Think "Dawn Of The Dead")



Okay, go.

I agree. Since we’re looking at wacky, might as well go all “Hot Fuzz” on the “Shaun of the Dead”.

Wow, good plan. I'll stick with the "normal zombies." Mutant zombies? I wouldn't even know what to do. Ah, the good ole' machete, always a good backup zombie weapon. With the ole' baseball bat running a close second. I see a problem though. Toasting the 10 zombies is likely to be a noisy affair. Which leads me to think it would attract more of their moaning friends roaming around the area. Hmmm, do you board the windows from the outside or the inside? Decisions, decisions. After taking care of the first group I'd be hard pressed about what to do with screaming neighbors wanting to get in the house for protection, and also weary of those neighbors who start shooting at everything that moves. It could get dicey. I think I'd retreat and board up the windows from the inside. Board up the windows, get on the roof, and watch the hysterical neighbors battle it out while practicing marksmanship with a rifle from the roof.

Shaun of the Dead is one of my favorite movies of all time. Brillinat. Can't wait to see Hot Fuzz. Those guys are hilarious.

Did you just join Zombie Squad?

Since I don't own a flamethrower, the next best thing for the mobility challanged undead is the bumper and tires of a large truck.

Ironraven,

Uh, let me know if you want a flamethrower.

As for Zombies, a bat or machete lets them get too close! I'd hope into our Honda Pilot and mow down any zombies in the neighborhood. I'd drive in reverse to protect the engine/radiator (old demolition derby trick). Then I'd round up the neighbors I trust and do a bite-check. If bit they would served up lots of alcohol until renderd unconcious and, sadly, left to make the change. Once the change happend, *BANG*

From then we'd set up house as a protected area ringed with gasoline-soaked brush at the outer parimeter and a bunch of trucks parked facing outwards and loaded with food/water/gear in case we need to make a fast exit. Between the cars and the brush would be assorted homemade landmines and claymores. Several reenforced Zombie-Smasher trucks would remain outside the brush line in an open clearing ready to drive over and zombies spotted. CB or FRS radios would keep them in contact with homebase.

Several shooting platforms would be built on the roof of the house and would be kept manned. At night the lookouts would use high-powered flashlights to keep an eye on things.

And I, I would be a HERO!!!

-Blast, who is thinking maybe SlimFast has hallucengic properties...

Well, I'd call the Zombie Squad, of course! www.zombiehunters.org

I have to admit, I've been following their forum ever since someone posted the link here a few months ago. Those people really do have their act together, especially in field-testing their gear and plans. Kind of like Alpha Rubicon with a dose of humor. The whole zombie thing is their tongue-in-cheek way of getting people to think about emergency preparedness. I'd be a full-fledged member by now except that their site is blocked by nannyware here at work.

-Blast

Please explain.

-Blast

I've also been lurking around their website, and they seem like a great group. I'd love to go on their annual camping trip, seems like a lot of fun. Membership is priced fairly as well.

As for this wacky scenario, I think I'd try to fight my way to a rural area and find a well-fortified farmhouse to lay up in, kinda like Night of the Living Dead.

"enjoying your beverage of choice. You feel pretty good because you finally finished packing that "almost perfect" BOB"

OK LED,

Frist, count the empty beverage cans.

Second, think about how much lighter fluid and duct tape you were sniffing as you repacked the BOB.

Third, maybe you just need to take a nap.

Or would that be Shaun of the Dead

Wake up, you're dreaming. Keep in shape, stay prepared. Next year is election year, when you get to vote for the zombie of your choice.

Sue

Cans? My beverage of choice comes in bottles!





C'mon Susan, don't insult zombies that way.

1) Drive up quickly to a video game store or local arcade
2) Gather up 5 hardcore teen gamers
3) Recruit them by telling that this is going to feel like a real thing and promise massive quantities of sugar/caffeine loaded snacks and beverages
4) Stop by costco or sam club to pick up such and a case of beer for yourself
5) On the way home try to remember where in your BOB you have earplugs
6) Put teenagers on the porch with guns and ammo telling them that only head shot counts
7) Retreive the earplugs, crack a brew and sit back
8) The end

I hear that if you sprinkle salt on them they do the same as slugs/snails...

Okay, if Milla Jovovich has taught me anything it's to raid my closet first. If I'm going to be fighting zombies, I gotta dress the part with some kind of corset-thingy, tight pants or stockings, and a lot of buckles and straps that don't really buckle or strap anything useful. Top it off with a trench coat and some kind of intense glare. In other words, look ridiculous.

With zombies, chopping off the head is the most effective means of dispatching them, provided that they are the slow-moving variety. So I'd grab a sharp cleaving instrument and go "axe" those zombies a few questions...

Next time you go shopping can I send my wife with you?

Christina,



Being somewhat of an expert on ridiculous things I respectfully request a picture of you in such an outfit (with and without the trenchcoat, for clarity). I suspect that such an image would not meet the requirements for "ridiculous" but rather would fall into the catagory of "Chicka chicka boom boom awoooo awooo hubba hubba shiver", a catagory I also happen to have some expertise in.

Sincerely,
-Blast, Ph.D.

Now Blast you should know better than to act like that your a maried man with a family! Now me Being single and all, Christina you can just forward all the above requested pictures to me.

Ah, being married to a stunner equal in beauty to Christina I have no need of the photos for anything other than to scientifically decide "ridiculous" or "Chicka chicka boom boom awoooo awooo hubba hubba shiver". They could reside safely in my possesion for strict academic research. You on the other hand, being single and having many a night in strange cities...why, the mind recoils at the thought of what may happen! No, it is definately best for everyone if I be the sole examiner of said pictures.

Respectfully to all,
-Blast

Now, what will your DW think when she reads that?

I think you just single-handedly made the forum a much “friendlier” place.

Well she'd either:
A. Say, "No this is a zombie fighting outfit." and walk out of the closet wearing her red leather boots, Victoria Secret side-lacing jeans (stragically torn), her black leather motorcycle racing jacket (with armor plates attached), my katana strung across her back, the sks with the 30-round magazine at her hip (bayonnet extended), wearing her mirrored, wrap-around shooting saftey glasses and her hair in a ponytail.

or

B. Hit me with a large book.

-Blast

I'll wait for her to post before I say anything more not this sub-topic :P

Hi,

Sorry for neglecting this forum lately. DH happened to mention this amusing thread and I thought I'd check it out.

I'm replying to multipe people here ...


From what I can remember of the movies, she doesn't usually have time to change clothes. Therefor, if one wishes to be prepared for such a situation, one would have to always be dressed accordingly.


Hum, I'm not sure what a cute kiddie ABC book has to do with zombie fighting outfits. Maybe the rest of the thread will explain.


Of course the zombies don't care what you're wearing. Do the trees care what you wear when you go hiking? Does the snow care what you wear when you go skiing? However, you still need to dress for the situation.


A braid would be more pratical than a ponytail.


That sounds like a poor use for a good book. Other objects make better weapons.


Hum, still no explaination for what a kiddie ABC book has to do with zombies. Oh well.

BTW, in case of a zombie invasion, I'd freak out. Then I'd tell DH to take care of it. I'd also volunteer to watch the kids. Since it can be difficult to deal with such situations with kids underfoot, I feel that my contribution would be equal to DH's. Oh, and garb for entertaining kids is definately different from garb for fighting zombies.


-Kuovonne

Woo hoo!!! I'm a lucky, lucky man.

-Blast

p.s. And Christina, you'll notice DW did not say anything against you sending the pictures...

Blast,

I suggest that you re-read the last paragraph of my previous post.

-Kuovonne

Oh dang.

Then again, I'm sure DD1&2 would find your old biker gear quite entertaining. I certianly do. Mmmmmm, leeeaaatheeerrr...

-Blast, who is wondering what new people are thinking right now.

They?re sitting in silence just enjoying the entertainment? just like everyone else.

ROFLAMO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a feeling it was going to be a varient on Plan B.

Well, this is certainly colorful... makes me think of the comparison of what our women here would react to such a situation (the Milla Jovovich response) vs. a feral Sheila from the bush back in Oz. Imagine a woman wearing no makeup, a kneelength print dress with an apron, wearing pig slopping galoshes, with her hair pulled back in a tight bun (top knot style), wielding a pineapple and cane chopping machete. Kinda a throwback to the "Ma Kettle" look if you know what I mean. Ya gotta be careful out in the bush these days. If one of them women gets her hands on ya, you'll be muckin' the stumps till daybreak. Anyways, those women would be as nonchalant about lopping heads off zombies as they are about severing red bellies, browns and fierce snakes. I reckon they'd figure out that zombie flesh ain't good tucker like the snakes.

Wholly different from them "beach" Sheilas out on the Gold coast, or the "Mall" Sheilas that hung out at Queen's Plaza. Variety is the spice of life.

Less fabric on the ladies' outfits and more firepower.



I think up close and personal for the ladies and from a distance for the zombies would be my motto.

LOL! Apparently you like to take out the zombies, the truck they rode in, and the bunker where they parked their truck! Good ol’ Barrett M82 .50 BMG rifle, if I’m not mistaken? Probably a nice choice for an anti-zombie group, as you can shoot a zombie and take out the ten or so that are behind him, too!

One of my clients had sent me a picture of a bomb toting terrorist after he was taken out with a headshot from about a mile away with the Barrett. That thing does a lot of damage!! I would post it but it is extremely graphic.

if you ever pull the trigger on one of those, you'll understand why it does that much damage.

With the extended barrel, you can wring over 3,000 fps from the muzzle with a 750 grain bullet. Anyone care to do the math to find the foot pounds at the muzzle?

Lessee, 750 x 3,000 x 3000 /450240 (the gravitational constant)yields about 15,000 ft lbs.

Compared to the standard 30-06 load of 150 grains at 3,000 fps

150 x 3,000 x 3,000 /450240
yields about 3,000 ft lbs.

Gravitational Constant: 1 lb (454 grams) at 31.5 fps/sec

Oh, sweet!!!!

-Blast

And to put all those numbers in a practical sense, here’s what happens when you take the muzzle break off of a Barrett: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSC5LZh6bLE. I knew what was going to happen right when the narrator showed that the muzzle break was removed. The video’s not the best quality, but the lesson it teaches is pretty good.

Christina, can I frantically drive north for 8 hours and borrow a corset? I too need to be adequately attired.

Hmmmm... zombies. I'd probably run down to school, raid the cadaver lab, and escape town by tossing chum to the guys. I would truly be ETS!

Pictures, ladies, pictures! Please? Forget Blast, feel free to PM them to me! Then I can use them to properly equip my wife.

No woman has EVER forgotten Blast.

That's why DW doesn't even bat an eye when some woman pops up out a crowd, slaps me and then stomps away...

-Blast

Wait, Kuovonne wears biker gear? Send ME pictures of THAT! Now I've got Trace Adkins' song "Hot Mama" running through my head...

Sounds like we can make a trade: pictures of DW in her motorcycle gear for you in a tight zombie-fighting outfit.



Wow, Chris is right. The ETS boards have really strayed from finding the ideal psk container...

-Blast

OK It's all your fault. I read this and an hour later Resident Evil came on. So for the next two hours I'll be watching Zombie fighting with Milla in a corsety thing

I am so glad I live Hawaii as we have lots of scantily clad beauties here. For example, I just got my hair cut and my regular hair cut lady is a prettier, more petite, yet waaay more voluptious version of Angelina Jolie.

I think she would make a great zombie fighter and she usually dresses appropriately for it too! My wife met her when we took our girls there for a haircut and she said, "Wow!"

And the massage after the haircut is great too!

Speaking of biker gear...

I was minding my own business, cruising down the highway through town (30 mph) and got to the school zone.

A big (BIG) black Harley is coming from the opposite direction, then it does a graceful U-turn in front of me (reasonable distance), pulls up to the curb in front of the school, and the driver dismounts.

Dressed in black from head to toe: full-face helmet, short and tight (form-fitting, probably custom) leather jacket with a deep V-neck (nothing higher under it), tight black leather pants, high-heeled black leather boots nearly to the knee. She casually walked to the center line, picked up something, and just as casually walked back to the Harley, put it in gear, and took off.

And, do you know, there wasn't a single guy in sight that seemed to want to zoom past her, and they all stopped (BOTH directions!) VERY NICELY just as if she was in a crosswalk with a bunch of little kids.

I've never seen a bunch of guys behave that well. EVER.

Sue

The moral of the story is, dress hot while dropping off your kid (the caveat is, you need to be at least reasonably attractive to pull it off). You might cause some whiplash, but the kids should be safer.

Thanks for the laughter I have enjoyed from this particular thread, LED!!!

I have needed the laughs very badly.

Just don't underestimate our (us guys) etiquette. I always open doors for ladies, etc.

BUUURRRRPP, heck yeah!

Not on Hotel Street I trust...

If I ever buy anything on Hotel Street, it will be fresh produce during the day!!

OBG, what is YOUR experience on Hotel Street? Maybe you better PM your answer. This is a family forum.

I have to thank you all. After typing in this thread and going to bed, I had some great dreams!! And they didn't even involve zombies.

I may have found the ultimate topical solution for a zombie infestation.

Chlorine Tri-Flouride

Use this, and you won't have to worry about cleaning up all the dead bodies even. Just don't get any on you through incidental exposure!!!

Yep, good stuff Maynard.

*seeing what benjammin has in hands, I turn around, run, and screams, in that order*

Might as well get out nukes.

Well, nukes aren't quite as topical, but then again the temporary death cloud from a Chlor Flour dispenser ain't exactly what you'd call environmentally friendly either.

DANG! Ironraven, you were the last person I thought I could rattle. Musta found a winner here.

Benjammin,

I'm still wondering how you learned one of the Seven Dark Secrets of Chemistry!!!! Yousa playing with way bad jubjub dere mon.

-Blast

Oh yes, for zombies I think you want the top end, show's over kinda final solution item.

And yes, it is biodegradable. In fact, that is exactly what it does, very very quickly!!!

Is anyone anxiously waiting to see 28 Weeks Later (the sequel to 28 Days Later)? From the previews it looks like they employ some sort of last resort scenario to stop the virus and kill the "infected." Not sure what it is though. Considering it has the same writer (and director I think) it looks promising.

Chlorine makes me nervous, fluorine is just scary- their lovechild is to much for me, man. That stuff can eat through pretty much anything but glass and teflon- soft tissue is an all you can eat buffet. It will probably dissolve MOPP gear, to.

Yep, even the Nazis decided it was too potent to use as a chem weapon. Of course, they didn't face zombies, did they?

Man, zombies are scary...

So what scares you more than zombies? A big silly looking dude with an industrial spray pack on his back, and a crazed grin on his face, heh heh heh...

He had plenty of ammo to start with but he forgot that the only way to bring them down is to go for a head shot, body shots wont do any good.

Funny zombie music video.

Even funnier zombie video!

I suppose instant messaging with zombie colleagues is one use of a computer in the end of the world

Speaking of highly ambulatory zombies, any idea how to classify the "Thriller Zombies" from the MJ video? They seemed kinda slow at first, but once MJ converted, they all got fairly well animated.

I would think colder climates would be better off. Zombies don't produce body heat, so cold or freezing temperatures would slow the disease which causes zombies, and maybe even slow the zombies down. Hot humid environments tend to be better for pathogens. The heat might lead to faster decomposition, a shorter unlife span, but the zombies would reproduce and move quicker.

This is all hypothetical of course.

Only because I got kicked out of med school! Mad! They called me mad! But I showed them! Bwah hah ha ha!

Er, um. Maybe you should, ah, just ignore that last outburst.

-Blast, who thought converting a vaccinia virus into a boron-10 "supertanker", modifing it's cell invasion proteins to focus on cancer cells, then irradiating it with a neutron beam causing it to undergo a microscopic nuclear explosion would actually get funding...

do you have the authorization to shoot animated zombies? or do you run from them?

You DO NOT have authorization to shoot OR hack at Scottish Zombies! That has been well established previously!!

Y'all think it's easy being the Village Idiot, but y'all are wrong!!! I constantly have to work at it to stay in perfect condition!!!!

That reminds me of "28 Days Later", where the good guys are trapped in an underpass trying to change a tire. Dozens of the infected come screaming at them.

Around here, we'd take a defensive position and empty the usual 30round-magazine-fed semi-auto rifles into the zombies instead of hurrying to fix the tire.

... it wouldnt be so suspenseful though