Teaching, learning, and practicing courage.

I think courage should be discussed more often than it is. I think courage should be taught, learned, and practiced. I think courage is a survival skill.

Thoughts?

Thanks.

I have to think on this one, as I am more inclined to think of courage as an inherent aspect of one’s character, rather than a skill that can be taught, learned or practiced. I tend to believe courage is the result of one being tested under spontaneous conditions that are not easily duplicated in a controlled setting. Perhaps the closest one can come to developing courage is to witness true courage in another and attempt to emulate the characteristic.

Pete

Additionally, courage can take many forms. It is somewhat easy to recognize courage in the throws of war, an emergency or disaster, but can also take many, subtler forms. A cancer patient willing to endure months or years of pain and treatment, the loving spouse who cares for their loved one, despite their own pain and suffering, a child willing to stand up to peer pressure in order to do the right thing, an employee willing to stand against the unethical behavior of their employer. There are hundreds of examples of courage both large and small everyday and yes, there are incredible acts of courage that standout far and above the rest, but who are we to judge, which acts are greater or lesser examples of sacrifice.

Definitely, this is something DW and I strive to install in our children. One way we've been working on this arose from something we read in Malcom Gladwell's book Outliers: The Story of Success. While doing research for this book he noticed an interesting trend where young children (4yrs old and up) from wealthy/successful families were encouraged by their parents to interact directly with adults rather than the parents doing it on there behalf. For instance, at a doctor's visit the child answers all the doc's questions. Obviously if the child leaves something out the parent reminds the child but doesn't step into the conversation unless something major is being overlooked. Meanwhile, in poorer households the parent(s)handled all the child's interactions with adults, the kids were just passive.

We follow the first principle. Whether it's a doctor, librarian, or someone is handing out free balloons DD1 (6yr) and DD2 (3yr) have to do all the talking if they want something from that person. In the beginning it was hard and there were a lot of tears and missed opportunities, but now they are great at it.

Now if they would just stop being freaked out by automatic toilets...

-Blast

But there are lots of uncontrolled settings in everyday life, especially for kids. The world is a much scarier (in some ways) place for them than for adults. Having the kids deal with these situations (say, explaining to a librarian why a book is torn) requires them to have/display as much courage as an adult needs to race into a burning building to save someone. Having the child deal with the librarian now will help prepare for larger demands of courage later.

There are limits to this, I'm not saying that is all it takes. But at least it is something.

-Blast

p.s. Jackie, I'm not implying librarians are vicious monsters or anything like that!

What is courage except being totally terrified to do something and then doing it anyhow?

I understand what you are saying and to some degree I agree, you can provide some guidance in learning to deal with “scary” or unfamiliar situations and yes they require courage. I would tend to call these learned behaviors more as coping skills. For me, true courage, are actions that go above and beyond the normal, but that is just I.

Pete

At a child's age, courage is not physical. And as adults we far to often, I think, confuse bravery for courage.

I think Blast hits on an important point, teaching your child to speak for them self. It's scary for a child to address a big scary adult. However, after working with my son (6) I am complimented by adults who say he is the first child to actually look them in the eyes and have a conversation with them. And I know it scares the crap outta him.

What is courage to child?
*Telling the truth knowing it could incriminate them.
*Sticking up for the defense of a friend.
*Not blaming others for failure.
*Protecting his family from criticism for sure and hopefully never from physical abuse.
*Trusting adults is a very big step in courage for a child.

+1 on letting kids have a voice. I think that is part of why my brother and I have the big, loud, assertive mouths that we've got today. *laughs* Knowing how to speak for yourself, and speak clearly and well, are critical life skills. It is as much a confidence builder as survival and medical skills are, IMHO, and for the same reason- you are your own master. Hard to take that from someone once they have it.

And Blast, I'm a 33 year old engineer, and I sometimes get freaked out by the autoflush toilets, particularly when you are sitting there, minding your business and they want to flush themselves. For a little kid, that's got to be pretty hair raising.

Teach, learn, practice... and demonstrate courage. Traits of character are best transmitted to children by the example of their parents and other adults in their life. Set high standards for them, but expect no more than you deliver yourself.

Also, let them have heroes. Learn to point out and discuss the admirable traits and behaviors of others in life, and in fiction, with your children. Highlight what is good and noble in people. Biographies make good reading for young minds, so make well written books about worthy people available to your children. Buffer the amount of worldly sleaze and cynicism they are exposed to in their early years.

Courage, as others said, I think is something you dont think of at the time; when I think of people with personal courage, I tend to think of people who beat odds-things they cannot prepare for. Ones who make decisions, when either could be disastrous. The guy who cut his arm off, when it was pinned by a boulder. People who run into a burning building to save someone. Kids who stand up for themselves. Folks who face adversity, whether it be medical, financial, personal, whatever, with grim determination. I dont think these can be taught, per se; people either rise to the occasion, or not.
JEff, I agree with allowing them to have heroes-to a point. I think these day the word "hero" is thrown around too much. I cant really say that athletes, musicians, and most famous people are "heroes"-sure, they do good things, but that doesnt make them heroes. Their position in life ALLOWS them to do those things. We need to start steering away from hero worship to the wrong people. We need to identify TRUE heros-everyday people who, when faced with extraordinary circumstances, rose to the occasion. Put aside their own fears, wants, worries, and pain, and helped a fellow human being. These are the people we need to elevate to hero status. Not someone who makes tons of money, and donates to a cause. Thats not heroic-thats helping out the less fortunate.

I just reread this, and I DONT want you to take it the wrong way. I agree with you, I just want people to select heroes for the right reasons. In most greek tragedies, the hero died for the greater good-somewhere along the way, the self-sacrificing part (not necessarily dying though) got lost in the translation.

From Wikipedia:

"Courage, also known as bravery, will, intrepidity, and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement."

The power of peer pressure and the desire to conform is immense. Many institutiions squash courage as disruptive.

If we do not praise and teach courage, then we cannot be suprised at its lack.

Edit: I think everyone can increase thier ability to summon courage by practice.

There are some key elements here:

1. Acting with the knowledge that there will be very undesirable consequences: "This will really hurt." I'm not referring to cases where someone acts in ignorance or in hopefulness that somehow they'll escape consequence.

2. Acting when not doing so carries no consequence. There is no doubt a firefighter is brave for running in a burning house to save a baby, but what of a neighbor? No one will fault the neighbor for not doing so, and I consider it a different kind of courage when risk avoidance is clearly acceptable.

3. Acting without expectation of reward. People often do things expecting reward money or publicity, but sometimes there's no expectation of any reward: they expect no more reward than the knowledge that they did the right thing. The motivation is internal rather than external.

There are a lot of different situations, but choosing to act in the face of likely consequence with no expectation of compensation is my starting point.

PS. I realize #3 isn't about courage but it is something I consider significant.

James, I disagree. I think that #3 is VERY courageous. I think that that embodies the motivation behind courage. If you are doing it for some external reward, it isnt courageous in my book. Its being selfish-putting yourself before others. After all, if the reward outweighs the risk, your motivation is YOU, not THEM. I really think that courage just happens; we see examples of it, all the time. Most of it is relatively minor, non-newsreel stuff, but it happens every day. I think that an act of courage is altruistic; putting aside fear for the sake of another (or self, in some cases).

I am not sure, but I think that is what James meant.

This is one of the better posts I have read in some time.

Interesting reply Blast, we did something similar with our 3 kids.

My son was very shy about going to school when he was 4 years old, every morning was a struggle to get him on the bus. Over time this fear slowly faded but would arise ocassionally whenever he faced new or different situations.

When he was in Grade 1, the entire class participated in "Story Telling", where the children stood at the front of the class and told a short story about there life. My son was terrified the first year, but each year he became more confident and soon started to enter Public Speaking competitions. His new interest in this filter down to his 2 younger sisters and all 3 now have the confidence to speak in front of large groups of people.

Many youth sports, activities and organizations expose kids to new experiences. In this way courage is developed by confronting challanges and overcoming obstacles.

Mike

The reason for my post is that I am struggling to get clarity. Courage is, of course, one of many possible human behaviors so it "is in there."

But it is my observation that many give in to pressure from peers and authority figures even when they know the should at least question what is going on because courage is not often well-regarded. Many do not act with courage.

To get a bit philosophical, Edmund Burke said something like, all it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing.

It is my belief that courage is a learned behavior at least in part and, as such, can and should be be expressly taught, learned, and practiced.

Relevant to this forum, I specifically believe courage is a survival skill. I believe we can learn to act in ways that increase our chances of survival in circumstances that cause fear.

Sorry to ramble on; trying to find the handle!

What this conversation needs is a campfire, a starry night, and large bottle of good bourbon.

Science has shown that risk-takers/thrill-seekers do have a physical/chemical difference in their brains that sets them apart from "regular" people. So in that sense there is a "born with it" side to the courage equation. I still think that people can build up some courage just by forcing themselves to display it in the everyday, little stuff. I'm thinking along the lines of "Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger".

Back to teaching people how to be courageous, installing a strong moral code in them also helps. Not just a belief in God or Whatever, but a belief in right and wrong. Having that to help support them will help them have the courage needed to do right, whether it be telling a friend "no" or throwing themselves on a hand grenade to protect their buddies.

-Blast, taking a sip and then passing the bottle on

p.s. Any women want to chime in? I'd really like to hear your thoughts/opinions on this subject! I'll even find you a glass so you don't have to drink straight from the bottle.

Taking the quick way down the side of the Matterhorn.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm8fqzxW0Tw

Courage or Adrenaline junkie?

I think it may be hard to pin down courage as being a particular thing, due to our different experiences, values and perceptions. Courage like compassion, empathy, selflessness, self-sacrifice, is an attribute that we seek to develop and practice. We seek to encourage this characteristic in our children, but we cannot make them courageous any more than we make them compassionate. We can guide them, we can become and provide them with role models, but ultimately courage comes from one’s inner being.

For me, courage has an important difference than many other attributes, in that courage comes to us or perhaps more correctly the situation with which we have the potential to demonstrate courage is not of our making. We can take positive actions on our terms to be charitable, thoughtful, respectful, but with true courage the situation comes to us, in ways and times we have little, if no control over and it is up to us to respond in courageous manner.

Pete

Courage is best learned by example. Whatever courage I have has come from the example my 'greatest generation' parents set for me. Courage for me is honesty, loyalty, personal responsibility, compassion, service, tolerance and belief in the collective good. It is making the "hard" choices a matter of instinct not analysis.

One of the many stories my dad told us around the dinner table was that when he was "volunteered" onto the Manhattan Project by Gen. Groves he was offered an Army commission. He turned it down because he did not think it honorable to wear the uniform and not take the responsibility and risk of a soldier*. I'm sure that led many to question his sense of duty since he remained a civilian during the war. Especially since he couldn't talk about his work.

But that example of values and, in my mind, courage, has influenced my life just as the many other examples my parents put before my siblings and I.

So while I heartily applaud Blast (and others) for his explicit lessons of courage for his kids, I would suggest the inferred lessons his kids get from the examples he and his wife set everyday are even more effective in building their courage potential. From what we all know about Blast I'm sure his kids will be courageous as all heck. I mean just living in Blast's neighborhood takes courage....

*It must also be said, so as to maintain full disclosure, that the fact that DuPont paid better than the Army was an important factor for a young father of two. But if you knew my Dad you knew that was only a benefit, not a reason.

I think courage also comes from knowing that someone is there to back you up. I first thought of my son, who knows that if he is addressing an adult, if he gets nervous I am there to assist him.

With receptionists at my business, they know that if they are doing the right thing and the consumer is harsh to them that the manager will protect them, back them up. By them trying and then having someone of authority follow up, it fosters an atmosphere that it is okay to get out of the comfort zone to do the right thing until they can do what needs to be done without assistance.

I then thought of rappelling. It takes a leap of faith, courage, to step off that ledge. But they draw courage from the competence of the people around them.

Let me try this, following the Wikipedia definitions, if it was your job:

How would you teach moral courage?

How would you teach physical courage?

Can I be a bit peevish first? I disagree defining courage as bravery. I know, know, in most dictionary's they are synonymous. But bravery in the real world is the absence of fear. And quite honestly any one can appear to be brave because they simply lack the intelligence to appreciate the danger ahead of them. They don't know enough to be afraid.

I think courage, physical or moral, is a firmness of the heart and mind, that when you know what your doing has an element of danger, 'letting it all hang out', when knowing what your about to say or what do makes your mouth dry, stomach flutter and knees shake, you continue to go forward with that fear in you. To me that is courage.

You can see it in the eyes. Most brave people seem as such because they just don't get the danger. A courageous person absolutely understands it and yet does what must be done because its the right thing to do.

Maybe I am slicing the baloney too thin. But its a distinction I prefer.

I'll agree with comms that courage and bravery are not the same but I disagree with his definition of bravery.

Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is continuing on in the face of fear or not letting your fears dictate your actions.

Courage is harder to define. It is doing the right thing or persevering due to your personal convictions despite the odds or cost.

As an example, walking on a very high ledge may require bravery if you are afraid of heights, but doesn't require usually require courage. Courage may also be involved if there is a driving motivation - like trying to save someone vs just taking a high risk walk.

If you aren't afraid you cannot be brave, you are fearless and can appear to be brave.

If there is no cause, cost or effort involved you are not demonstrating courage.

I firmly believe that both of these can be taught, learned and practiced but like any skill some people will have greater ability than others when called on to exercise the skill.

Well that's my $0.02 worth,

- Eric

"The difference between being a coward and a man is not whether you're scared, it's what you do while you're scared."
- SSgt Jeff Struecker, 3 OCT 1993

I suppose recycling the "trust/teambuilding" exercises like falling backwards with eyes closed trusting others to catch you, zip-lining, or walking across a couple yards of coals would allow you to teach/learn/practice physical courage.

Tougher for me to think how to do the same for moral courage.

Thoughts?

Maybe role-playing could be used to teach/learn/practice moralcourage.

My father had a simple maxim: "Do what's right, come what may."

It can help to look at things like that. Sometimes what makes a situation seem complicated is thinking about the likely bad consequences for oneself that one will have to deal with afterwards. Sometimes when you just ask yourself what the right thing to do is, it's actually pretty obvious. It can still take courage to do it, but clarity and focus helps.

Cool, I'll be a half-Elven ranger seeking revenge after his town was destroyed by Orcs!

-Blast

p.s. Oh, come on, at least half of you were thinking the same thing!

I find my courage to pursue this thread countered by the reality that the topic finds no like minds among the savvy ETS community. Maybe next thread ....

Sorry, I'll be good.

I think role-playing has a place in that it can teach kids what to do in a stressful situation. By knowing what to do they can respond appropriately rather than freezing up in panic. Here are some of the things that DW and I role-play with our daughters:

1. Bad dog! While out walking with my girls I'll occasionally say "Bad dog" and they will move behind me, kneel down into a ball and clasp their hands over their necks for protection.

2. Fireman. One girl will pretend to be on fire. She yells "I'm on fire" then drops to the ground and starts rolling. The other daughter grabs a blanket and helps smother the flames.

3. Princess and the bad guy. An evil ogre tries to kidnap the princess. She responds by yelling for help, fighting to get away, and runs to a king/queen/teacher/guardian and tells them what happened.

However, I don't know if these things really constitute "courage" rather than just doing the right thing at the right time. Perhaps by installing in them a sense of being able to cope with situations like these they are less likely to freak out in a stressful situation. The more exposure to controlled situations the more they build up the sense of self-suffiency which should lessen fear.

I really think the problem is we can't decide on a universal definition of courage.

I think you can teach a child to be self reliant which can lead to grace under fire for most situations. However when something really big comes up it may just boil down to brain chemistry.

I've read a lot about the brain. When it doesn't know what to do it will start scanning through past experiences to try and find out how it responded in a similar situation. Once it finds something it responds in the same way, whether or not this response is appropriate. Role-playing can help the child's brain develop a larger set of experience’s to draw from, hopefully allowing it to find an appropriate response.

-Blast

[Laughs] Blast, thanks for the private message! I was and am only a little frustrated that the thread did not seem to catch fire. I am totally over it. You and many of the ETs community have contributed greatly to my knowledge and pleasure. Thanks!

[I will copy this to the thread.]

I've always found Mr. Burke's words about the notion of evil interesting.

If you take what he wrote literally, he believed that "evil" whatever is meant by that term, is the normal course of events unless countered by brave men.

Do we really think that?

Is evil the way of the world and courage/bravery the only thing stopping it from taking over? What does that say about the human race?

Someone once wrote that courage is not the absence of fear, it's acting while still afraid. I like that definition.

Nothing good but sadly truthful?
-Blast

Or maybe just the human condition. In which case, what does it say about us?

Wasn't it the great philosopher Pogo who said, "We have met the enemy and its us!"

I think courage is usually taught, or at least learned. I think there is some conscious thought involved in it. When Blast teaches his daughters to speak to adults, he is creating the strength for them to say 'No!' when necessary, because doing so will be within their do-able zone, if not their comfort zone.

I get the feeling that Blast's daughters are allowed to make mistakes. Many parents don't know how important that is. All of us have learned more from our mistakes than from our successes, but kids frequently aren't ALLOWED to make mistakes. They have the feeling that they must be perfect, must always make the right decisions, do the proper thing. With teaching like that, it is easier for the child or adult to simply do nothing. They often KNOW what they should do, but after years of conditioning, CAN'T do it.

Courage is knowing what has to be done and then doing it. The knowing is probably fairly common, but going against popular opinion can be a hard thing to do. Without practice, most people can't do it.

It's like starting a fire with a flint and steel. You know the theory, but without pracice, you could end up freezing to death.

Dweste, you say you think courage is a survival skill. Even more than a life-survival skill, it is an emotional survival skill. Pared down to bare essentials, you have to stand up for what you know is right. And that takes more courage to do it than to just think about it.

Sherry, please.

Sue