Well, The "Other Shoe" Fell on Son#2

Almost a year ago, we took in a young man I have referred to here often as son#2.

I did so against my better nature, but that is in the past.

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished, my beautiful wife and I had to throw his sorry A$$ out.

We had both noticed a change in the young man, but neither had spoken of it to the other. Then one afternoon he came home and left with a friend. When I realized he had not done his chores, I called to question him on it. He then informed me he was not coming home that night. I explained that was not an option, but well he didn't come home. I immediately searched the truck I bought for him to drive and found (yep, you guessed it) drugs.

Son#1 (my only son) was then invited to take urine and hair drug tests and passed with flying colors.

Also turns out he had been stealing our credit cards and getting purchases and cash advances we did not notice. (Small transactions that wound up with a big total when the bill came in.)

Upon returning to collect his belongings, the little turd wasn't even grateful for all we did for him. See this thread for more.

Just keep in mind, next time you feel too sorry for someone, there is often another "shoe" falling. The longer it takes to get to you, the worse the impact.

I am most sorry it came to what it did. IMO, you did the right thing. But don't ever kick yourself for taking him in last year. Last year, it was also the right thing to do, and you would still be kicking yourself if you didn't. You tried. That's a lot more than many of the parents I see do. Hope all ends well, despite the turn of events.

What a shame he squandered a good home and second chance.

Good for you and your family for trying.

A friend of mine stayed with us for awhile when I was a kid. She had a troubled past and had been in foster homes for a decade. She was so grateful she became a better daughter than I was.

You still did the right thing. Some folks may squander a chance when it is given, but giving it in the first place is never a mistake. Something tells me you already know that though. I hope for you that the thefts and such were a short lived thing (recent). If he is in the grip of some serious drug monkey, he may still need help. Unfortunately though, ya gotta actually want the help. I'm hoping the cavalier attitude and lack of grattitude stems from the dope.

Anyway, I know it isn't much solace but the very fact that you did someone a solid is ALWAYS the right thing. You can't always dictate the outcome however. My hat's off to you and your family...sounds like good people to me.

Yeah, I know doing the right thing and all, but this little SOB has really burned me good. Thank god I discovered it when I did, and that I had a K9 run thru the vehicle and house.

Little $4!7 had more stuff stashed in my house and in other places on the truck. That endangers MY FAMILY.

Now he has had the gumption to ask if he left anything behind by leaving a note on our door.

Once I file the complaint for credit card theft, I will let the local LEO's deliver the answer to his question.

There's no way you could have seen in advance how the situation would have turned out. He could have turned out perfectly fine.

You did great -- he was the one who screwed up.

Sue

As someone who's had a somewhat similar experience, I know it sounds odd but you should count yourself lucky to have discovered the problem at this stage where the damage can be undone. Hopefully it won't influence you to become less charitable but instead offer valuabe insight. The world needs good deeds like yours, now more than ever.

When our oldest daughter was still in high school, we took in a friend of hers who was having a tough time living at home. We knew the girl beforehand, and checked her rep with our daughter and with other of her friends we new and felt we could reasonably trust. It turned out for the best, she was a fine guest, and it gave her and her mother time to deal with issues they were having. Now the girl is a staff seagent in the AF, is married to a fine man, and just had a baby boy. She refers to me as daddy and my wife as mommny to this day.

I would not normally open my house and our lives up to this sort of compromise, but there are some risks worth taking, especially if you do your homework beforehand. Nothing is ever for sure, you just have to do what you feel is right, and learn from the outcome of your decisions.

Hey Desperado,

Don't be too hard on yourself, you did the right thing in the situation by taking the boy in, for the time he was under your care he was safe and secure. He knew the rules and decided to break them, he made his own decision.

Your heart was in the right place, but you can only carry people for so long.

Mike

The more I investigate, the more I would like to follow my old mantra....

Two in the chest and one in the head, leaves them dead.

SOB was robbing me blind and I didn't even notice it. Can't wait to testify in court on this one. Been a long time since I looked forward to going into a court room.

"Son#1 (my only son) was then invited to take urine and hair drug tests and passed with flying colors."


Pardon me, but from the tone of your post, why do I think that "invitation" was not voluntary?

Did he volunteer to take a test or did you compell him to do so?

Please do not misunderstand me here, I understand how betrayed you feel, but from both an ethical point of view and in terms of the basis of trust between you and your son that concerns me.

Well, there's always a choice. You can tell the kid that he can take the drug test or he can talk to the police, eat nutriloaf for every meal (if it is good enough for inmates, it is good enough for an undisciplined teenager), and basically lose all his other privileges. However, I believe that any parent worth his salt would be able to persuade his child to do the right thing, and any that aren't probably won't care what their kid does enough to make the effort anyways.

Any friends or acquaintances that my girls had growing up (or even the ones they have now) know full well never to cross me, I don't play fair, and I have a lot more experience at it than they do.

Right on. My kids are 8, and I'm taking notes. I have no problem whatsoever not being my children's "friend"... Whoever they end up dating, I guarantee I won't be their friend, that's for sure.

Ah, you can do anything you want - if you're willing to pay the price. I would have had a simple answer - the next time the son did drugs, I would have called the police and asked for him to be arrested - I also would have spent more time in jail for telling the Judge what I thought, in no uncertain terms

Drug tests are not voluntary inside my house. My son (17) and daughter (13) have known from the time they were old enough to understand that random drug screens would occur as a mater of business.

I have always told them (and followed thru) that if I test them, everyone in the house tests at the same time.

Sorry if that ruffles anyone's feathers, but I am basing that policy on the childhood I lived. Don't like it any way... Tough.

he is 18. never a custody issue

Best to nip any problem right at the onset... And a great deterent to boot!

Ok, fair enough. At least your even handed about it. But exercise caution, particularly once they both become legal adults. Being sued for libel by your own children would be embarrassing to say the least.

Why would he be sued for libel once they become adults? He has merely implemented his right as a parent to require and prove they are willing to abide under a set of rules for living in the parent’s house.

My wife and I have a set of rules that both our minor child and our middle child who is an adult currently living at home are expected follow. Violation of the rules will result in some form of sanction. For our minor child, she will lose privileges. In fact, she is currently grounded until the end of the school year and had her texting privileges removed from her phone. Our adult child who currently lives with us knows she can either adhere to the rules or find her own place to live.

Pete

I have always told my kids since they were old enough to understand. Under penalty of death, you do not drink, do drugs or have sex until after you are 21. I have been thanked many times by them for this policy. Others may have gone down in flames but not them. They have seen it first hand and yet remained safe and sound.

One of the reasons for this is life experience. There was a group of 13 friends growing up together. Myself and one other are the only ones to live to see 21 and beyond. All the others were killed or killed themselves. Of the 13 only two got or stayed clean. Guess the numbers tell the story....

I was the one who got clean.

And that is the best of all possible reasons for doing the tests.

Also: in answer to another post by another member: Once children become legal adults, they are exactly that: legal adults.

They enjoy the same rights and duties as any other adult. Including the right to seek redress. Demanding, requiring or whatever that someone takes a drug test is (unless a legal duty) tantamount to an accusation of criminal misconduct. Under most jurisdictions that is either slander or libel.

I just don’t see how requiring a drug test or any other requirement of an adult child set forth as a condition to live at home of the parents to be libel or slander. The adult child is free to either adhere to the conditions set forth by the parents or live on their own.

Pete

I'll pile on too. Drug tests are a standard for some jobs; I took one the day I signed on to my current job and I was given no warning ahead of time. I see nothing wrong with requesting a test as a condition for an adult to live under your roof, even if they are family.